Writing

Emily Drouillard

Carnival Destiny – Wes Anderson Sketch

TEXT READS: And now an exclusive clip from Wes Anderson’s upcoming film “The Carnival Destiny”

Establishing shot of cruise ship named Carnival Destiny

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

(scratching large beard, smoking old pipe, dressed elaborately as captain)

Aye, the depths of the waters are not as shallow as you’d think they be.

JENNY

(Dressed in typical Wes Anderson style)

What’s down there Captain? Should we be frightened?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Not unless you’re down there yourself, but it’s worth the danger to see. I’d go back if I could.

JEROME

(Dressed in typical Wes Anderson style)

What did you see?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye would ye even believe me? It was so fantastical it sometimes feels like I was touched by magic.

FIRST MATE LUDO SIGHS IN BACKGROUND, ANNOYED

JEROME

All of that must be so surreal, being so deep underwater is like the entrance to another world.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

See, Jerome, Jenny, this is why I want you to stay on the ship and work for me. You understand the splendor of the ocean and her vast mysteries.

JENNY

Why don’t you go down anymore though? Why do you need us?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Because the day she killed my brother was the last day I touched those waters. If I even dip my hand back in, she’ll smell me and seek me out. She’s vicious, out to get me for breaking her heart.

JEROME

Her?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

The mermaid.

JEROME

The mermaid??

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye, the most evil mermaid in the bottom of the Atlantic. Esmerelda. Hair as silver and deadly as mercury.

First Mate Ludo

(Exasperated, dressed like he actually works on a Carnival cruise)

Mermaids? Again?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Ludo, begone! Now is not the time for this.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Guys, mermaids don’t exist. You know this.

JENNY

But, he just said..

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye, like I said, she had evil in her soul, a heart blacker than the shell of a mussel.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Mussel shells aren’t even that black.

JENNY

How’d you meet her?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Well, it began when I set off upon my first expedition with the Carnival Destiny…

FIRST MATE LUDO

This is a cruise ship. You don’t do expeditions.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Stop. I’m trying to reminisce about my beloved experiences at sea before I had that love so brutally ripped from my hands.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Okay, sorry, sorry. You’re right.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

The death of a brother is a pain that cuts deep. I could feel it through my salty heart when he took his last breath on land.

JENNY

Wow. I’m so sorry Captain.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Thank you, young one. It still haunts me to this day. To lose your brother at the hand of your lover…

FIRST MATE LUDO

Lover? Come on, is this even appropriate? They’re kids.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Yes, we were passionate. Esmerelda could harness the fury of the seas and I’d felt nothing else like it ever before.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Okay how could she even be your lover? Mermaids don’t even have, you know, like…

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

How can you claim to know what she looked like when you don’t even believe in her evil, water-bound spirit?

FIRST MATE LUDO

Well yeah, regardless, she doesn’t exist, so it doesn’t matter if she has… No mermaids do.

JEROME

I don’t know, she sounds pretty real.

JENNY

Why did you become a pirate captain? Was it for love or revenge?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Both, I must say. Because love and hate are two sides of the same doubloon.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Pirate? This is a Carnival Cruise ship. We picked you up in Orlando.

JEROME

But back in the day it used to be a pirate ship, the Captain led fearlessly on his quest, right Captain?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye, quite fearlessly.

FIRST MATE LUDO

This ship was built 7 years ago.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Agh, why must you bother me so? I want to spread my love of the sea but caution the young against her evils.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Ok I’m not stopping you from doing that. I just can’t let you recruit any more children.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Age is of no matter to me.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Don’t say that again, really.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Children have imaginations much more capable of grasping just how much wonder and folly is out there, dancing upon the sea foam, waiting to be plucked from the waters.

FIRST MATE LUDO

It’s just that child labor, despite your best efforts, is still illegal.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Well I am the captain of my own ship, I can feel when a sailor’s soul is ready.

JENNY

Do you think mine is??

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

You’ve got the heart for it.

JEROME

What about me?? Could I do it too?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

(Takes Jerome’s hands and closes his eyes)

You’ve got the hands of a sailor, ready to work hard and toughen over the years.

JEROME

Yay! Oh I can’t wait to sail with you.

FIRST MATE LUDO

You seriously cannot do this again. Their trip ends on Saturday.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

If they want to dedicate their life to the mysteries of the sea, who am I to stop them?

FIRST MATE LUDO

Yeah but the last time you said that we got sued into the ground by the families and required to put up bars to prevent children falling overboard.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

All’s fair in love and sea.

FIRST MATE LUDO

That’s not even close? When are you going to realize you are endangering peoples lives?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

We have nothing to worry about. Do you not hear the quirky soundtrack, or see the pastel scheme of this boat? The bellboy that’s actually Bill Murray? Do you think any of this is real?

FIRST MATE LUDO

(Seriously troubled now)

Holy shit, that’s really Bill Murray. But, it seemed.. so real..?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Son, that feeling never goes away. Esmerelda is real to me, as real as this being a cruise ship is to you. Carnival is not a brand, but a metaphor for the journey of being. You must begin your journey. It is your…Carnival Destiny.

FIRST MATE LUDO

But, how?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Take the small life boat and these supplies and search for her. You can be my first mate now not only in ship, but it life. Complete my work, please. It is my dying wish.

FIRST MATE LUDO

I really can’t believe I’m saying this but… Aye Captain.

LUDO GATHERS THINGS AND SETS OFF, WE HEAR HIM SPLASH INTO OVEAN

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Ok kids, now that that asshole’s gone and outta my way, let’s hit the buffet. I can squeeze in another 30 minutes of story time before I have to go back to driving this lug of a cruise ship. Fuck Carnival. I mean, sorry kids, Carnival blows.

John Oliver Monologue

John Oliver:

Hello, and welcome to Last Week Tonight. I’m John Oliver, and tonight we are going to start out talking about politics.

I know, surprise surprise. But what else is there to even talk about? This election cycle is continuously striving to out do itself each and every day. It just won’t settle. It’s like special effects in movies. They began as small, practical effects that brought exhilaration to what you were watching. But as time went on, we could tell a lot of it was really fake.

So, technology advanced, we demanded our special effects get bigger, get better, appear more real to us. And that has left us where we are today. While it would be very naive to even pretend politics hasn’t always been the shit-slinging scandal sanctuary we know and love it to be, this time we have somehow actually gone above and beyond that.

The old elections are like the effects of E.T flying in front of the moon, or casting spells in Harry Potter. We know it’s fake, but it’s part of the game, part of the mystique, it’s simple. 2016, on the other hand, is more like an enormous C4 and gasoline atomic bomb Transformers orgy led by Michael Bay if he had a worse coke habit than he probably already does. Read the rest of this entry »

Between Two Ferns – Lin Manuel Miranda

INT. BETWEEN TWO FERNS SET

ZAch

Hello everyone, this is another edition of Between Two Ferns. I’m here with Linda Manual Miranda.

TEXT READS “LINDA MANUAL MIRANDA”

Lin Manuel

It’s Lin Manuel.

ZACH

No, wait, I was supposed to go first. Pan back to me. I’m Zach Galifianakis, your host.

TEXT READS “ZACH GALIFIANAKIS, HOST”

BEAT

LIN MANUEL

And…?

ZACH

And what?

LIN MANUEL

And I’m Lin Manuel Mir-

ZACH

This is Linda Manual Miranda.

BEAT

LIN MANUEL

It’s Lin Manuel.

ZACH

Fine. Lin Manuel.

TEXT READS “LINDA MANUAL MIRANDA”

BEAT

LIN MANUEL

Are you going to interview me?

ZACH

(Checking his nails)

Oh, yeah. This is Lin Mandel, he’s the self-proclaimed biggest fan of Hamilton the musical. Read the rest of this entry »

Doctor Know It All

INT: DOCTOR’S EXAMINATION ROOM

YOUNG, VISIBLY PREGNANT, FEMALE PATIENT WAITS IN ROOM UNTIL MALE DOCTOR ENTERS.

DOCTOR

Hi! You must be Ellen, my new patient!

ELLEN

Yes! Thank you for seeing me on such short notice. It’s a shame Dr. Grayson has pneumonia but I’m happy I found someone in the same practice!

DOCTOR

Me too, much less paperwork.

ELLEN

What did you say your name was?

DOCTOR

Oh, I didn’t.

BEAT

ELLEN

Well what is your name?

DOCTOR

Doctor.

ELLEN

Doctor what though?

DOCTOR

Doctor.

ELLEN

Dr. Doctor?

DOCTOR

Yes.

ELLEN

But..

DOCTOR

Where do you think the word ‘Doctor’ originated?

ELLEN

Surely before you were…

DOCTOR

So, let’s get to the nitty gritty here. What seems to be the problem?

ELLEN

(Gesturing towards rotund belly)

Well-

DOCTOR

That does look to be quite the problem. We can definitely deal with that quickly and efficiently, you’ll be ready for the beach in no time! Read the rest of this entry »

Portlandia – Feminist Book Store Sketch

FADE IN:

INT: WOMEN AND WOMEN FIRST BOOKSTORE

(Candace, Toni)

A YOUNG MAN STANDS AT THE COUNTER WAITING TO CHECK OUT.

Candace

You know, the store feels more quiet than usual.

Toni

You mean quieter.

CANDACE

No, more quiet. Quieter isn’t a word, Toni.

TONI

I’m pretty su–

CANDACE

QUI-eter… Qui-ET-er… koo-wyyA-tur… Qui..Qui-uh… QUI-ooh-ter… Qui-a-TIT-er?

TONI

Quieter. Qui-it-er.

CANDACE

TIT, that’s the problem. I can feel my supple blouse being ripped off of me every time you say that word.

TONI

Quieter doesn’t have tit in it.

CANDACE

There’s really no way to be sure of that.

CUSTOMER

Uh… There’s no ‘tit’ in quieter.

CANDACE

Excuse me? Did you just say ‘tit’ to me? That was completely inappropriate and entirely unnecessary. What little dust particle floated into your ear and got stuck in your little brain and possessed you to say that word to me? We were having a private conversation and frankly I’m disturbed you would eavesdrop like that.

CUSTOMER

You’re right in front of me though, and you brought up tits?

TONI

Sir, please calm down.

CANDACE

Did you just say “tits”? What is your obsession with saying that word? Do you have tourettes? Is that your tick, being sexist? It feels like I’m trapped in the Playboy mansion being drowned in a pool made of Hugh Hefner’s soiled velvet robes and giant silicone implants.

TONI

(PULLS OUT DICTIONARY)

Seriously, it doesn’t say tit.

CANDACE

“It”? What is “it”?

TONI

The dictionary.

CANDACE

The DICKtionary? You’re kidding me, right? Who wrote it?

TONI

Uh..

CANDACE

Ugh let me look at it. No author? What is this, the Wikipedia of books? About words? And dicks?

TONI

Sort of, I think? I think it was compiled like the Bible.

CANDACE

Oh, the Bible, great. I bet they left Lilith out of this one too.

TONI

It should be the Lilith English Dictionary.

CANDACE

And “Oxford” English? Do I look like some kind of spry little boy wearing tights and playing a flute before a Shakespeare play?

TONI

Sometimes, but not right now.

CANDACE

This isn’t “Ye Olde” England!

BOTH LOOK UP, SHOCKED TO SEE CUSTOMER STILL THERE.

CANDACE

What are you still doing here?

CUSTOMER

What? I’ve been trying to buy this book for like fifteen minutes.

TONI

(WHISPERING)

You really need to keep your voice down. This is getting ridiculous.

CANDACE

(FLIPPING THROUGH DICTIONARY HALFHAZARDLY)

How do you find anything in this? Nothing’s in the right order? It’s alphabetical — that’s useless. It should be sorted by mood or aesthetic or which chakra it’s most aligned with. Figures, starting the name of a book with a feature of male anatomy.

TONI

It really is time for an update. A Feministionary.

CANDACE

That’s a great idea, Toni.

CUSTOMER

I really need this for class, can I just leave cash here and go?

CANDACE

No! Come back tomorrow, I can’t even believe you came in here. We are clearly in the middle of the creative process. Honestly, young people are so entitled.

CUT TO NEXT DAY:

YOUNG MALE CUSTOMER FROM BEFORE ENTERS.

CUSTOMER

Can I just get the book and go?

CANDACE

Well, “hello” to you too. What a rude way to enter a store and greet a stranger.

TONI

It’s like just because we’re women we’re suddenly your personal librarians.

CANDACE

How are we even supposed to know what book you want? Does it look like I have my custom-made Native Americans of the North East tarot cards out right now, do you see any recently-gazed-into crystal balls lying around?

CUSTOMER

I was here yesterday.

TONI

It was really quiet yesterday.

CANDACE

We stood completely still and stared straight ahead and didn’t utter a single word to each other for the entire day so I have no idea what you’re talking about.

CUSTOMER

(PLACES BOOK ON COUNTER)

I’m just trying to get The Ovarian Mystique for a class.

CANDACE

This piece of trash?

TONI

Who would even sell this sort of thing?

CANDACE TRIES TO TEAR BOOK IN TWO BUT CANNOT. SHE DROPS IT AND SHOVES IT ASIDE WITH HER FOOT.

CANDACE

Try this instead, the recently published Feministionary, New Lilith Edition.

TONI HANDS THE CUSTOMER A SINGLE PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS

“WOMAN (n): Goddess.

LILITH (n): See “Woman”.”

TONI

The New Lilith Edition features the inclusion of “Lilith”.

Kimmy Solves A Murder! Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt spec script

Kimmy Solves A Murder!
   Emily Drouillard

ACT ONE

COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. DARK THEATRE - DREAM
We start black and PAN UP to a backlit dark stage with a man
sitting at a DESK. SPOTLIGHT turns on; dim at first, showing
TITUS at desk in a suit with white wig.
Titus begins snapping fingers and to SENSUAL JAZZ MUSIC.
                    TITUS
          I’m just a Bill on Capitol Hill /
          Tryna make myself some stacks / But
          when I tire and there’s no one left
          to fire / I like to wind down with
          some Sax...
Titus pulls out SAXOPHONE from desk drawer. Lights
illuminate entire stage, set to look like OVAL OFFICE.
                    TITUS
          But a saxophone alone / Is a mighty
          sad tone / So to join me on
          harmonica / I call Monica!
MONICA ENTERS from STAGE LEFT and ZOOM IN on her face. As
she walks over while seductively tooting HARMONICA, PAN OUT
to show her approaching AL NADAR (CRAIG ROBINSON?) dressed
as Clinton in desk chair. PAN to Titus, now dressed like
HILARY CLINTON, with look of terror on his face.
                    TITUS
               (Screams and rifles through
               bag) WHERE IS MY HOT SAUCE?
’DREAMY’ FADE TO:
INT. TITUS’S BEDROOM - MORNING
OVERHEAD VIEW of Titus in bed, tangled in sheets, wakes up
panicking and sweaty.
          TITUS
Why didn’t I get that role?? I was
meant to play America’s First Black
President! Damn you, Al Nadar, role
thief!

CUT TO:

THEME SONG
SCENE ONE
INT. VOORHEES KITCHEN - MORNING
JACQUELINE enters kitchen dramatically.
                    JACQUELINE
          There’s been a MURDER!
                    KIMMY
               (Panicking)
          Jacqueline! What happened? Are you
          ok??

(Beat)

               (Whispers)
          Why’d you do it?
                    JACQUELINE
          No, no, it’s actually ju--
                    KIMMY
          --I can call up Lillian, I’m sure
          she knows someone. And how do you
          feel about the name ’January
          Jones’? That sounds pretty real.
                    JACQUELINE
          That’s a real name, Kimmy.
                    KIMMY
          What? Okay, let’s go with ’October
          Smith’ for now. I can drive the car
          if you want to do an OJ car chase
          -- no idea why it’s name after
          juice though.
                    JACQUELINE
          I haven’t committed a murder, I’m
          planning one!
                    KIMMY
          Okay, less urgent, but still pretty
          bad, Mrs. Voorhees.
                    JACQUELINE
          Oh, calm down, Patrick Bateman.
          Real murder is very tacky. I’m
          planning a murder mystery party! Read the rest of this entry »

The Musical Narrative of Alexander Hamilton

 

The Broadway musical Hamilton is an unprecedented happening in the worlds of both history and musicals. It is a self-aware narrative that actively seeks to dispel the inaccurate portrayal of Alexander Hamilton in the past, which leads to deeper investigation of historical narrative. The musical’s account is unique in that it is being told through the format of a musical. This itself has a great deal of small reasons behind it that make it a very unique and prime for a case study of historical narrative. It is based upon Ron Chernow’s critically acclaimed 2004 biography of Alexander Hamilton that was written with the purpose of crafting a ‘more accurate’ narrative that, unlike the alternatives, is not inhibited by the negativity and lack of recognition from many of his peers. This gives the musical a large set of ‘data’ from which to craft its own narrative.

Hamilton, which began previews in New York in the spring of 2015, was already generating a considerable amount of buzz both in publications and through word of mouth. It has gone on to become an unprecedented success that is currently sold out for every show in the next six months and makes around $1.7 million a week[1]. Lin-Manuel Miranda, the writer, composer, and star, posts often to his Twitter account photographs of himself and the endless flow of celebrities that go to experience the show. It has catapulted the commonly overlooked face of the ten dollar bill from ‘Man Many People Think Was President Because Why Else Would He Be On Our Money? Wait, Franklin Wasn’t One Either?’ to ‘Trendiest Historical Figure of 2016.’ Read the rest of this entry »

Researched Proof That Waiting for Godot is Funny: Proving My Mother Wrong

Samuel Beckett’s play Waiting for Godot is one that the mother of the author of this essay detested. She saw the 2009 Broadway production starring the famed actors Nathan Lane and John Goodman. Her remarks to her daughter condemned it for being boring, hard to follow, and ‘kind of weird. ’ How could two actors of such comedic esteem work on a production so unfulfilling? Upon reading it in her college Cultural Foundations III class, the author was astounded to realize that the play was not only enjoyable, but also hilarious. She struggled to understand how one play could be seen so differently until she watched one of her favorite humorous videos online and realized it paralleled a scene from Beckett’s play. It all became clear. Waiting for Godot is not humorous in a conventional or typically commercial way. It is a comedy built on irony, absurdist humor, and repetition. The play is classified as a tragicomedy, and fully lives up to its comedic title. Despite having heavy topics, Beckett uses humor to make even situations that would not seem the least bit funny into something that can be laughed at.

Riddled with inappropriate jokes, much repetition, and nonsensical dialogue, the play is still relevant today and the witticisms still poignant and funny because – like the first act of this play – jokes are recycled. The humor in Waiting for Godot is slightly absurd and not typical humor, but the play is comedic beyond its time. Despite being written over 60 years ago, it uses types of humor that are heavily influential today. While the Bard may be known for dubbing the play as the thing in Hamlet, it would not be unbelievable if Beckett declared the joke as the thing in Godot. For the purposes of brevity and not turning a sophomore year college paper into a debate over what humor is and what even makes something funny, things that are deemed to be ‘funny’ or are described as such with other words that also mean funny are things that are seen as funny by the author. If the reader finds none of the subsequent evidence for the comedic prowess to be humorous, then the reader is invited to view the entire paper as a form of irony. If that is unsatisfactory, then
the author apologizes that the reader must go through a life so devoid of light.

Read the rest of this entry »

Breathing Spell

Not the First Question

Ever asked

But the First Answer

Ever received

Pull on

Glittering green aeroplanes

Pull off

Slick black silk

Gallantly rescue from

Perpetual subconscious retention

Rolling beneath doldrums

Arms suspended

Looking for notice

Never a cry

Never scraping dead flakes of skin

That were once planets

Pour hot hydrangea oil

Golden / bubbling / searing

Down throat

Pour liquid Amber

Moving backward through time

Crystallize and mummify

Every word uttered

Let fragile bits of honeycomb

Melt on tongue and

Shine

Leave the bottle of wine uncorked yet

It has aged

Taraxacum Invocation

the moon is so bright it is
unbearable to look at.
gaze descends to
fractured halves-
nails press into damp,
salty skin, praying:
maybe the water will
synthesize.
an ocean away from,
where the reflection of the moon
isn’t so hard to see.
orion’s belt will cinch together
tufts of isolation and
flora harvested by
shaky fingers decalibrated,
recalibrated, grasping the void
that sprouted like dandelions.
tended and tendered
into a glabrous garden.
breathe in pacific oxygen and
exhale taraxacum invocation.