Carnival Destiny – Wes Anderson Sketch
TEXT READS: And now an exclusive clip from Wes Anderson’s upcoming film “The Carnival Destiny”
Establishing shot of cruise ship named Carnival Destiny
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
(scratching large beard, smoking old pipe, dressed elaborately as captain)
Aye, the depths of the waters are not as shallow as you’d think they be.
JENNY
(Dressed in typical Wes Anderson style)
What’s down there Captain? Should we be frightened?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Not unless you’re down there yourself, but it’s worth the danger to see. I’d go back if I could.
JEROME
(Dressed in typical Wes Anderson style)
What did you see?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Aye would ye even believe me? It was so fantastical it sometimes feels like I was touched by magic.
FIRST MATE LUDO SIGHS IN BACKGROUND, ANNOYED
JEROME
All of that must be so surreal, being so deep underwater is like the entrance to another world.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
See, Jerome, Jenny, this is why I want you to stay on the ship and work for me. You understand the splendor of the ocean and her vast mysteries.
JENNY
Why don’t you go down anymore though? Why do you need us?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Because the day she killed my brother was the last day I touched those waters. If I even dip my hand back in, she’ll smell me and seek me out. She’s vicious, out to get me for breaking her heart.
JEROME
Her?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
The mermaid.
JEROME
The mermaid??
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Aye, the most evil mermaid in the bottom of the Atlantic. Esmerelda. Hair as silver and deadly as mercury.
First Mate Ludo
(Exasperated, dressed like he actually works on a Carnival cruise)
Mermaids? Again?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Ludo, begone! Now is not the time for this.
FIRST MATE LUDO
Guys, mermaids don’t exist. You know this.
JENNY
But, he just said..
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Aye, like I said, she had evil in her soul, a heart blacker than the shell of a mussel.
FIRST MATE LUDO
Mussel shells aren’t even that black.
JENNY
How’d you meet her?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Well, it began when I set off upon my first expedition with the Carnival Destiny…
FIRST MATE LUDO
This is a cruise ship. You don’t do expeditions.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Stop. I’m trying to reminisce about my beloved experiences at sea before I had that love so brutally ripped from my hands.
FIRST MATE LUDO
Okay, sorry, sorry. You’re right.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
The death of a brother is a pain that cuts deep. I could feel it through my salty heart when he took his last breath on land.
JENNY
Wow. I’m so sorry Captain.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Thank you, young one. It still haunts me to this day. To lose your brother at the hand of your lover…
FIRST MATE LUDO
Lover? Come on, is this even appropriate? They’re kids.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Yes, we were passionate. Esmerelda could harness the fury of the seas and I’d felt nothing else like it ever before.
FIRST MATE LUDO
Okay how could she even be your lover? Mermaids don’t even have, you know, like…
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
How can you claim to know what she looked like when you don’t even believe in her evil, water-bound spirit?
FIRST MATE LUDO
Well yeah, regardless, she doesn’t exist, so it doesn’t matter if she has… No mermaids do.
JEROME
I don’t know, she sounds pretty real.
JENNY
Why did you become a pirate captain? Was it for love or revenge?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Both, I must say. Because love and hate are two sides of the same doubloon.
FIRST MATE LUDO
Pirate? This is a Carnival Cruise ship. We picked you up in Orlando.
JEROME
But back in the day it used to be a pirate ship, the Captain led fearlessly on his quest, right Captain?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Aye, quite fearlessly.
FIRST MATE LUDO
This ship was built 7 years ago.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Agh, why must you bother me so? I want to spread my love of the sea but caution the young against her evils.
FIRST MATE LUDO
Ok I’m not stopping you from doing that. I just can’t let you recruit any more children.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Age is of no matter to me.
FIRST MATE LUDO
Don’t say that again, really.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Children have imaginations much more capable of grasping just how much wonder and folly is out there, dancing upon the sea foam, waiting to be plucked from the waters.
FIRST MATE LUDO
It’s just that child labor, despite your best efforts, is still illegal.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Well I am the captain of my own ship, I can feel when a sailor’s soul is ready.
JENNY
Do you think mine is??
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
You’ve got the heart for it.
JEROME
What about me?? Could I do it too?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
(Takes Jerome’s hands and closes his eyes)
You’ve got the hands of a sailor, ready to work hard and toughen over the years.
JEROME
Yay! Oh I can’t wait to sail with you.
FIRST MATE LUDO
You seriously cannot do this again. Their trip ends on Saturday.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
If they want to dedicate their life to the mysteries of the sea, who am I to stop them?
FIRST MATE LUDO
Yeah but the last time you said that we got sued into the ground by the families and required to put up bars to prevent children falling overboard.
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
All’s fair in love and sea.
FIRST MATE LUDO
That’s not even close? When are you going to realize you are endangering peoples lives?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
We have nothing to worry about. Do you not hear the quirky soundtrack, or see the pastel scheme of this boat? The bellboy that’s actually Bill Murray? Do you think any of this is real?
FIRST MATE LUDO
(Seriously troubled now)
Holy shit, that’s really Bill Murray. But, it seemed.. so real..?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Son, that feeling never goes away. Esmerelda is real to me, as real as this being a cruise ship is to you. Carnival is not a brand, but a metaphor for the journey of being. You must begin your journey. It is your…Carnival Destiny.
FIRST MATE LUDO
But, how?
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Take the small life boat and these supplies and search for her. You can be my first mate now not only in ship, but it life. Complete my work, please. It is my dying wish.
FIRST MATE LUDO
I really can’t believe I’m saying this but… Aye Captain.
LUDO GATHERS THINGS AND SETS OFF, WE HEAR HIM SPLASH INTO OVEAN
CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN
Ok kids, now that that asshole’s gone and outta my way, let’s hit the buffet. I can squeeze in another 30 minutes of story time before I have to go back to driving this lug of a cruise ship. Fuck Carnival. I mean, sorry kids, Carnival blows.