Kimmy Solves A Murder! Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt spec script
by Emily Drouillard
Kimmy Solves A Murder! Emily Drouillard
COLD OPEN FADE IN: INT. DARK THEATRE - DREAM
We start black and PAN UP to a backlit dark stage with a man sitting at a DESK. SPOTLIGHT turns on; dim at first, showing TITUS at desk in a suit with white wig.
Titus begins snapping fingers and to SENSUAL JAZZ MUSIC.
TITUS I’m just a Bill on Capitol Hill /
Tryna make myself some stacks / But when I tire and there’s no one left to fire / I like to wind down with some Sax...
Titus pulls out SAXOPHONE from desk drawer. Lights illuminate entire stage, set to look like OVAL OFFICE.
TITUS But a saxophone alone / Is a mighty
sad tone / So to join me on harmonica / I call Monica!
MONICA ENTERS from STAGE LEFT and ZOOM IN on her face. As she walks over while seductively tooting HARMONICA, PAN OUT to show her approaching AL NADAR (CRAIG ROBINSON?) dressed as Clinton in desk chair. PAN to Titus, now dressed like HILARY CLINTON, with look of terror on his face.
TITUS (Screams and rifles through bag) WHERE IS MY HOT SAUCE?
’DREAMY’ FADE TO: INT. TITUS’S BEDROOM - MORNING
OVERHEAD VIEW of Titus in bed, tangled in sheets, wakes up panicking and sweaty.
TITUS Why didn’t I get that role?? I was
meant to play America’s First Black President! Damn you, Al Nadar, role thief!
THEME SONG SCENE ONE
INT. VOORHEES KITCHEN - MORNING JACQUELINE enters kitchen dramatically.
JACQUELINE There’s been a MURDER!
Jacqueline! What happened? Are you ok??
(Whispers) Why’d you do it?
JACQUELINE No, no, it’s actually ju--
KIMMY --I can call up Lillian, I’m sure
she knows someone. And how do you feel about the name ’January Jones’? That sounds pretty real.
JACQUELINE That’s a real name, Kimmy.
KIMMY What? Okay, let’s go with ’October
Smith’ for now. I can drive the car if you want to do an OJ car chase -- no idea why it’s name after juice though.
JACQUELINE I haven’t committed a murder, I’m
KIMMY Okay, less urgent, but still pretty
bad, Mrs. Voorhees.
JACQUELINE Oh, calm down, Patrick Bateman.
Real murder is very tacky. I’m planning a murder mystery party!2.
KIMMY So no one really dies?
JACQUELINE It’s like real life Clue! and I
don’t know, do you think we can get a corpse on such short notice? The party is tonight!
JACQUELINE Yes, that’s what I mean when I said
KIMMY It’s so last minute!
JACQUELINE I know, but Julian called and his
co-worker JOHAN VON HEUSEN VAN DER HOUSEN and his lovely wife JOHANNA VON HEUSEN VAN DER HOUSEN is in town.
KIMMY Do they like mysteries?
JACQUELINE Love them! Plus the Ritz dropped
their reservation so they need somewhere to stay tonight.
KIMMY So how does it work?
Jacqueline pulls out SMALL STACK OF WRINKLED PAPERS.
JACQUELINE Oh, I don’t really know. I printed
off a guide from the website YaHOO Answers. But Vogue says that murder mysteries are a "chic and delightful reminder that it is only through jest and role-play that we will ever even acknowledge the plethora of hardships that most only know as the bleak reality of existence." Go buy a party kit somewhere and hire an actor or two.
KIMMY Can I hire Titus to play the dead
JACQUELINE Oh, I stopped listening after I
said YaHOO. Do whatever.
FADE IN: INT. PARTY AND COSTUME SHOP
PAN DOWN over wall of risque women’s maid costumes to show Kimmy standing facing it. She turns around and sighs, looking down at Murder Mystery Kit she is holding.
KIMMY There are lots of maid costumes,
but none of them look like yours, Ms. Featherfluffer.
Al Nadar passes in partystore uniform and stops when he sees Kimmy looking sad.
AL Hey now, parties are supposed to
make you feel like you’re made out of butterflies. What’s got you down, girl?
KIMMY Oh, Hi! Do you have any maid
costumes that look like this? I need to dress up for a murder mystery party tonight!
Kimmy shows him Party Box with maid character.
AL (Gesturing to wall of scantily clad young women with defeated, soulless eyes)
None of these got you inspired?
KIMMY None of them seem like something a
maid would really wear, you know? Although having the perseverance to create a shirt that is somehow
KIMMY (cont’d) smaller than the bra underneath it
is a little impressive.
AL (stage whispers as if revealing a secret)
No it’s not, they just use shirts for unusually large babies and normal sized small children.
Al crouches down and rifles through costumes at the back of the bottom shelf, struggling for a moment, and finally pulling a normal maid costume out.
KIMMY This is perfect!
AL Anytime, miss. They don’t sell well
but I gotta keep the real costumes somewhere for when I need to impersonate an officer of the law or bring my own costume for a play.
KIMMY You act??
AL Yes, I’ve been slowly realizing
that my dream of being a party store sales associate wasn’t quite as fulfilling as I thought it would be as a kid. I guess I’ve turned to acting because I need a corporate sell-out job to finance my lavish lifestyle while I’m in between sales.
KIMMY So you wouldn’t be interested in
doing an acting job tonight? For a party? We need someone.
AL Woman, I am desperate. I’ll even be
KIMMY We need a red herring.
AL I don’t do fish, I’m sorry, but I’v
been there and... I’m just not budging on this.
KIMMY No, we need you to look like the
bad guy to make people suspicious and throw them off the trail of the real killer!
AL I can do that, I’ve got a pretty
intimidating Russian accent. I’m Al, by the way. Al Nadar.
KIMMY (Shaking his hand)
Nice to meet you! I’m--
TITUS KIMMY COUGAR SCHMIDT
Titus, dressed as Glinda from the Wizard of Oz has exited dressing room to see Kimmy holding hands with his old rival Al.
KIMMY Hey, Titus! I found our actor! His
TITUS Al Nadar, Role thief.
AL Hey Titus, c’mon, it’s been ten
years. It’s good to see you buddy. (Holds out hand to shake)
TITUS Kimmy, a moooooment.
Titus pulls Kimmy aside.
TITUS Kimmy, this is my enemy. He stole
my role in Monica Lewinsky: The Musical.
TITUS Kimmy, how do you not know who
Monica Lewinsky is? The Oval Office POTUS Coitus scandal that shook the nation harder than Louise Woodward popping a baby into bed!
KIMMY Bunker, Titus.
TITUS Right, of course. Regardless, this
Al Nadar character is not to be trusted.
KIMMY Well then he’ll be the perfect red
TITUS Oh Kimmy, you think you’re actually
hiring him? HA!
KIMMY Already did Titus. I think he’s a
really nice guy. Why won’t you give him another shot?
TITUS He ruined my chance at the role of
a lifetime Kimmy! He ruined my fake presidency worse than the real Nadar ruined the Gore’s!
AL You guys know you just took a step
and turned away, right? I can hear everything you’re saying.
TITUS (glancing back at Al)
How very rude of you, this is a private conversation.
Titus takes one small step further away from Al.
TITUS Much more private now. But listen
to me, Kimmy, let’s just find someone else.
KIMMY It’s too late Titus. We won’t have
time to find someone else by tonight and he’s really funny!
TITUS Do you think I care, Kimothy??
KIMMY Titus, it was ten years ago. You’ll
be fine. Plus no one really talks to dead people besides that kid that’s friends with Bruce Willis. You can pretend he isn’t even there.
(Kimmy turns back to Al)
KIMMY (CONTD) Al, we’ll take the party kit, and
the maid costume, some fake blood, leave the dress (gestures to Titus) and see you at 6!
FADE IN: INT. VOORHEES LIVING ROOM - LATER - AFTERNOON
Jacqueline is seated on COUCH surrounded by CRIME SHOW/MYSTERY DVDS. Kimmy can be seen behind applying makeup to Titus’s face.
KIMMY Yes, Mrs. Voorhees?
JACQUELINE You’ve seen the clues for the
party, so you know how it ends, right?
KIMMY No way José am I telling you!
JACQUELINE But I want to win, Kimmy.
KIMMY Nuh-uh! That will ruin the
surprise! The rever--my old babysitter used to say: "Curiosity killed the cat because answers give you cancers!"
JACQUELINE I want to say that doesn’t make
sense, but it rhymes so well... (stares off into space for a beat)
JACQUELINE(CONTD) At least help me figure out what to
watch next to prepare. I’m almost done with CLUE, should I move on to Scooby Doo or How to Get Away with Murder?
How to Get Away with Murder? Wow,
you really can learn everything on TV now!
JULIAN VOORHEES enters followed by JOHAN VON HOUSEN VAN DER HOUSEN and JOHANNA VON HOUSEN VAN DER HOUSEN
JULIAN ...needless to say, that’s the last
time I went to a club with an und-- (Sees Jacqueline)
JULIAN(CONTD) --and this is the living room. Your
room is down here... (Julian exits with Johan and Johanna and quickly re-enters alone)
JULIAN Jacqueline, the party is ready,
correct? (Jacqueline looks at Kimmy for anwswer)
JACQUELINE Yessir--Yes. Just yes.
JULIAN Good. Johan is an important partner
with the company, so I don’t want any embarrassment.
Julian gives Jacqueline a stern, parental look. Jacqueline turns and gives the same look to Kimmy. Kimmy turns and gives the same look to Tim Curry’s CLUE character on the TV screen. However, when she looks, Curry is already giving a disappointed look. Kimmy looks defeated and then suspicious of TV.)
INT. VOORHEES HALLWAY
Kimmy is hiding a clue in a bouquet of flowers in the hallway when she hears Johan on the phone in his room speaking very quickly and angrily. She sneaks closer, only some of the conversation is audible. Half in Dutch, but Kimmy hears the words ’her body’ ’hair’ ’get rid of extra body parts’.
KIMMY (to self)
Oh my god, he sounds like he just killed someone.
(beat) I should get involved.
Kimmy facetimes Titus and puts him on mute before he could talk.
Titus, this is very important. I need you to spy for me.
Kimmy puts phone on Buckley’s selfie stick
KIMMY (CONTD) I think there was a murder.
And yes, I know the party isn’t a real murder. I mean a real real murder. Mr. Voorhees’s friend. Just look, okay?
Kimmy creeps up to door and slowly slides end of phone under door room while still staying hidden. Johan keeps yelling
for a few moments, until he hangs up angrily. Kimmy pulls phone back and after a beat runs away into nearby room and unmutes Titus.
KIMMY Well, did you see anything?
TITUS What an angry little blonde tulip.
He needs to take some anger management classes and clean up his room.
KIMMY What was there? What did you see?
TITUS Your paltry cinematography skills
did me no favors but a took some screen shots, I’ll send them now.
Kimmy opens pictures, which look like a normal but very messy room. After a beat she notices the locks of blonde hair sticking out of Johan’s overstuffed suitcase.
KIMMY Titus, look at that hair! That’s
TITUS It’s probably just a wig, Kimmy.
You have no reason to be suspicious.
KIMMY Well before I called you he was
talking about body parts and human hair and other stuff I couldn’t understand because he was speaking in some sort of made up language.
TITUS Kimmy, first of all, that’s Dutch.
It’s very real.
KIMMY Well it sounds like my code
language in the bunker.
TITUS It’s real, Kimmy. And more
importantly, you should’ve have opened with ’I just heard a creepy
TITUS (cont’d) old Dutch man talking about body
part and human hair’!
KIMMY Sorry, I had to act quick.
TITUS Well now that I know he was angry
about body parts and human hair and people disrespecting his native tongue, I would like to change my reaction to very suspicious.
KIMMY Who was he talking to?? Do you
think he’s in the Dutch Mafia?
TITUS There’s a Dutch Mafia?
KIMMY There isn’t?
TITUS The Dutch are not typically known
for their violence or gang activity.
KIMMY I thought it was like the Olympics
where every country gets a team. Huh.
TITUS And judging by the state of that
bedroom, I would say that he would lean more toward unorganized crime.
END OF ACT ONE
INT. VOORHEES KITCHEN
Kimmy is in her maid costume, looking at party kit character cards.
KIMMY (in Cockney accent)
Tonight, I will be playing the maid, ’Mah-ry Feathahfluffah.’ I
KIMMY (cont’d) made ’er a Brit because they’ah
more elegant. I’m like the Mah-ry Poppins o’ the night.
TITUS That’s not what Mary Poppins sounds
like, Eliza Doolittle.
KIMMY Well it’s the only accent I rem’ber
from the movie, mate.
AL I think it sounds great, Kimmy.
Very authentic. Titus shoots Al a glare.
KIMMY Thank you, kind sire. Okay, Titus,
you’re playing Guster Gustafon, the murder victim. You’s a friendly German man visitin’ America for the first time. You get ya throat slit in the empty guest bedroom.
TITUS German? Why isn’t he French?
KIMMY What’s wrong with German?
TITUS Kimmy, Germans are terrifying. No
one would try to kill one and live to tell the tale. The French are much more vulnerable.
KIMMY Oi, that sounds like a stereotype
bruv. Titus shoots Kimmy an unamused look.
TITUS Is it, "bruv"?
KIMMY Fair point, mate. Frog legs it is!
TITUS (shaking head)
Urgh, les rosbifs.
KIMMY Aight, Al, you’s the red he’ing
tonight, Jeb Ellis. Fake ’em out. Be real suspicious like.
TITUS (under breath)
No acting required there.
KIMMY You’re the weird guy, the one who
says the wrong thing, looks generally like a creep-ah.
AL Got it. Did I mention your eyeballs
look lovely this evening, Ms. Featherbottom.
TITUS Whatever, I’ll be the one stealing
the show tonight.
AL Titus, you realize you spend the
entire night after dinner lying in a bedroom, perfectly still, wearing fake blood, right? Which is exactly how I like it.
TITUS You’d best pray I don’t become a
zombie and come after you, Nadar.
KIMMY (pulling Titus aside and using normal voice)
Focus, okay? Tonight we are focusing on figuring out Johan. Leave Al alone.
KIMMY (in cockney accent again)
Promise? Whatever you say, Dyke van Dyke.
SCENE TWO FADE IN: INT. VOORHEES DINING ROOM
All guests (Voorhees family, Johan and Johanna, Kimmy, Titus, Al, two other boring couples that Julian knows) are seated at dining room table. All are waiting for food.
JACQUELINE (coughs loudly and glare at Kimmy)
It’s amazing how maids now a days think they can just sit down at the table and someone else will bring them dinner. Life doesn’t work like that, sweetie. There are no handouts. Now go serve our food.
TITUS Oh oui, je suis trez hungry after
all of ze travel. It make me very tired, no?
Titus looks around to see if people are buying his act.
KIMMY (standing up from chair)
Oh, uh, right! Dinnah will be right out.
AL I can’t wait. If I get too hungry,
I can get mildly violent.
Kimmy enters kitchen and exits struggling to carry large platter.
KIMMY The Beef Wellington is now--
Kimmy stumbles and almost drops food.
KIMMY (CONTD) --ready fo’ ya eatin’. Hope you lot
enjoy it. Kimmy awkwardly shoves platter onto table.
KIMMY (to Jacqueline as she sits)
Oi miss, I be best at cleaning chimneys, innit.
AL It’s truly amazing the things you
can hide in chimneys. Empty cans, used chairs, dogs you get bored of...
TITUS You clean chimneys now?
KIMMY (very serious, whispering)
NO Titus. Just drop it, okay? It’s just a character.
TITUS Okay. Shall we make a plan?
KIMMY We’ve gotta be subtle. I’ll ’draw
up a map’.
Kimmy begins drawing with her food to create a map. Titus leans over to correct it. Montage shows food maps of NYC subway, USA, Westeros, Route to Mordor, and Map from Dora the Explorer, before the settle on a simply L-shaped map of the hallway. The two wink to each other very conspicuously.
INT. VOORHEES BEDROOM
Kimmy is applying fake blood to Titus’s neck as they set up his death scene.
KIMMY Hopefully no one noticed us rush
out after dinner. They might think I’m the killer!
TITUS Kimmy, stop wasting time with me.
Go look in Johan’s room while everyone is occupied. Al should be leading the group in to discover my body and laugh at his final victory over the great Titus Andronicus.
KIMMY If I find anything, I’ll text you.
TITUS Dead people can’t text.
KIMMY They can when nobody’s looking.
INT. JOHAN’S BEDROOM
Kimmy goes up to the hair hanging out of the suitcase. She tries to lift suitcase, but it is incredibly heavy.
KIMMY (to self) Like a body...
Kimmy takes a picture and texts to Titus with caption "IT"S A BODY". As Kimmy attempts to open suitcase to investigate further, Johan begins to open the door, taking his time as he is talking on his cell phone. Kimmy jumps into fireplace.
JOHAN What are you doing in here, girl?
KIMMY (in cockney accent)
I’m just wipin’ up the soot, ain’t I mate?
JOHAN Aren’t you the maid?
KIMMY Oi, that’s right I am, maid of the
chimneys, bruv, innit, mate?
Johan stares at Kimmy with an annoyed expression and walks out to continue phone call.
INT. VOORHEES BEDROOM
Titus sees text message from Kimmy.
There’s been a murder after all.
As he puts his phone away, the party enters, all shocked. They begin arguing between one another about how he died and who did it. Titus’s phone vibrates again and he quickly glances down to see Kimmy’s text: HELP!
TITUS (hums horror movie music)
Titus begins to move slightly to make a break for it and run to Kimmy, but realizes that no one has noticed a thing. They are too busy arguing. He stands up. Still no response.
Ahem. No response.
TITUS (coughing louder)
AHEM! Group turns to look finally, not shocked by his movement.
TITUS If any of you cared to notice, I am
now une ghost. I am disappointed by how little you are reacting or supporting my decision to be undead. To make up for it, you may present me with flowers and chocolates at the end of the night. Only vegan chocolate though. Ghosts can’t eat real food.
AL Vegan chocolate is better anyways.
Titus gives him a horrified look. Titus’s phone buzzes again.
JACQUELINE (in over the top Southern Belle accent)
What in the heavens are you doin’ off the ground? You was just deader than a doornail, bless your soul.
Titus gives Jacqueline a confused look.
JACQUELINE (normal voice)
What? I wanted an accent too.
TITUS I sensed another deathly presence
in the house.
JACQUELINE (angry stage whisper to Titus)
That’s not how the game works. One. Body. Only.
AL (interjects, whispering as well)
I’m totally cool with having multiple dead bodies.
TITUS Oh I don’t care anymore, follow me,
INT. JOHAN’S BEDROOM
Kimmy is trying to open to suitcase again as Johan enters again. He hangs up phone and starts yelling.
JOHAN [ANGRY YELLING IN DUTCH]
INT. VOORHEES HALLWAY Jacqueline is trying to block Titus in the hallway.
JACQUELINE (angry whisper)
I don’t know why you’re trying to ruin this, but I’m going to win this, dammit.
INT. JOHAN’S BEDROOM
JOHAN What are you doing??
KIMMY (still in character)
Nothin’ mate, nothin’ at all, swear on me mum...
Johan approaches fireplace and grabs the fire iron and grips it well, pointing down at Kimmy.
INT. VOORHEES HALLWAY Kimmy’s scream is audible.
TITUS (glaring at Jacqueline)
I told you.
Titus and rest of party push past Jacqueline. She scoffs,
crosses arms, and rolls eyes like a child.
INT. JOHAN’S BEDROOM
Group enters and sees Johan threatening Kimmy. He immediately drops iron and puts hands up. Jacqueline enters a beat later.
KIMMY (pointing to suitcase)
JACQUELINE Don’t mind her, she’s always late
to the game if you know what I mean.
Jacqueline cups hands and fake yells very patronizingly.
JACQUELINE(CONTD) We. Know. Kimmy. The game is
literally called mur-der my-ster-y. (turns back and says
reassuringly to other guests) This isn’t even the right body, very embarrassing.
Julian pushes through group.
JULIAN What the hell is this, Johan?
Julian walks over and un-jams suitcase zipper, opening it to reveal plastic body that is clearly a sex doll.
I run a side business... Julian...It’s not a big deal.
AL Yeah, Julian. This is child’s play
compared to the dolls of the big shots.
Julian looks closely at doll, noting its real hair. Everywhere.
JULIAN Is this human hair? It feels like
it. And is most certainly of Eastern European descent. Not only is that illegal, but now it’s despicable.
Al crouches and smells hair.
AL Oh, it smells quite Bosnian.
KIMMY (whispering to Titus)
How does he know where it’s from?
TITUS (whispering back)
One at a time, Kimmy. Take ’em one at a time.
JACQUELINE Kimmy! You’ve embarrassed us so
much! You’re fired! You’re the true killer of the party.
KIMMY Jacqueline, you figured it out!
KIMMY I was the killer! You just won!
JACQUELINE HA! Take that, losers!
AL It wasn’t me? Even I’m shocked.
Jacqueline basks in her victory, and is fawned over by the other women at the party.
JULIAN Johan, this can’t keep up. It was
one thing when you got those muppet hookers in college but an illegal trade? I can’t afford to have feds looking into the company.
JOHAN You can’t just--
JULIAN Can’t I? I just did. You’re fired.
Take your weird dolls home. (to Johanna as he places hand on her arm)
Not you, my dear, you’re lovely. Stay as long as you’d like.
Julian’s hand lingers a little too long on her arm.
JULIAN(CONTD) (quickly moving past his flirtation)
Anyways, Kimmy, thank you. KIMMY
For killing Guster?
JULIAN ...for saving me from the
embarrassment at work. I can’t afford to be tied with shady deals or have people looking into our work. I own you one.
Julian shakes Kimmy’s hand.
KIMMY You’re very welcome!
JACQUELINE Kimmy, you’re the best! Thank you!
KIMMY For helping Julian?
JACQUELINE No, for killing Guster Whatever his
name was. You’ve made me a hero!
KIMMY So I’m not fired?
JACQUELINE (laughing too hard)
What are you talking about? Fired? You’re almost as crazy Jeb.
AL That’s pretty crazy Kimmy. I can
get us a two-for-one deal at my favorite sanitarium if you’re down.
INT. VOORHEES KITCHEN
Titus and Al are sitting at kitchen counter as they divide their money.
TITUS Hope you had fun truly being
yourself tonight, Al. You should try auditioning for the American Psycho musical.
AL Why do you hate me so much? We had
the same audition, like, years ago.
TITUS Because of you I didn’t get my
breakout role as Bill Clinton!
AL And you think I got it?? Some
Puerto Rican with a woman’s name came in a week later rapped the damn song so they put me in ensemble.
TITUS It’s in the name!
AL Yeah, and I was cut entirely when
we made the switch from Off-Off-Broadway to Off-Broadway anyways.
TITUS Maybe you aren’t so terrible then.
You were almost funny tonight and I’ll admit, I was convinced you were crazy.
AL Hey, just trying to hone the craft.
Besides, Clinton isn’t very cool any more. He’s vegan.
TITUS (excited now)
You know who was a real scoundrel that no one talks about?
TITUS (waves arm, seeing it now)
I can see it now!
AL A BJ for LBJ.
TITUS If one mistress can make it to
Broadway, then an entire chorus line of them in unstoppable!
AL It’s in the name!
END OF EPISODE