Kimmy Solves A Murder! Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt spec script

by Emily Drouillard

Kimmy Solves A Murder!
   Emily Drouillard

ACT ONE

COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. DARK THEATRE - DREAM
We start black and PAN UP to a backlit dark stage with a man
sitting at a DESK. SPOTLIGHT turns on; dim at first, showing
TITUS at desk in a suit with white wig.
Titus begins snapping fingers and to SENSUAL JAZZ MUSIC.
                    TITUS
          I’m just a Bill on Capitol Hill /
          Tryna make myself some stacks / But
          when I tire and there’s no one left
          to fire / I like to wind down with
          some Sax...
Titus pulls out SAXOPHONE from desk drawer. Lights
illuminate entire stage, set to look like OVAL OFFICE.
                    TITUS
          But a saxophone alone / Is a mighty
          sad tone / So to join me on
          harmonica / I call Monica!
MONICA ENTERS from STAGE LEFT and ZOOM IN on her face. As
she walks over while seductively tooting HARMONICA, PAN OUT
to show her approaching AL NADAR (CRAIG ROBINSON?) dressed
as Clinton in desk chair. PAN to Titus, now dressed like
HILARY CLINTON, with look of terror on his face.
                    TITUS
               (Screams and rifles through
               bag) WHERE IS MY HOT SAUCE?
’DREAMY’ FADE TO:
INT. TITUS’S BEDROOM - MORNING
OVERHEAD VIEW of Titus in bed, tangled in sheets, wakes up
panicking and sweaty.
          TITUS
Why didn’t I get that role?? I was
meant to play America’s First Black
President! Damn you, Al Nadar, role
thief!

CUT TO:

THEME SONG
SCENE ONE
INT. VOORHEES KITCHEN - MORNING
JACQUELINE enters kitchen dramatically.
                    JACQUELINE
          There’s been a MURDER!
                    KIMMY
               (Panicking)
          Jacqueline! What happened? Are you
          ok??

(Beat)

               (Whispers)
          Why’d you do it?
                    JACQUELINE
          No, no, it’s actually ju--
                    KIMMY
          --I can call up Lillian, I’m sure
          she knows someone. And how do you
          feel about the name ’January
          Jones’? That sounds pretty real.
                    JACQUELINE
          That’s a real name, Kimmy.
                    KIMMY
          What? Okay, let’s go with ’October
          Smith’ for now. I can drive the car
          if you want to do an OJ car chase
          -- no idea why it’s name after
          juice though.
                    JACQUELINE
          I haven’t committed a murder, I’m
          planning one!
                    KIMMY
          Okay, less urgent, but still pretty
          bad, Mrs. Voorhees.
                    JACQUELINE
          Oh, calm down, Patrick Bateman.
          Real murder is very tacky. I’m
          planning a murder mystery party!2.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

                    KIMMY
          So no one really dies?
                    JACQUELINE
          It’s like real life Clue! and I
          don’t know, do you think we can get
          a corpse on such short notice? The
          party is tonight!
                    KIMMY
          Tonight??
                    JACQUELINE
          Yes, that’s what I mean when I said

’tonight.’

                    KIMMY
          It’s so last minute!
                    JACQUELINE
          I know, but Julian called and his
          co-worker JOHAN VON HEUSEN VAN DER
          HOUSEN and his lovely wife JOHANNA
          VON HEUSEN VAN DER HOUSEN is in
          town.
                    KIMMY
          Do they like mysteries?
                    JACQUELINE
          Love them! Plus the Ritz dropped
          their reservation so they need
          somewhere to stay tonight.
                    KIMMY
          So how does it work?
Jacqueline pulls out SMALL STACK OF WRINKLED PAPERS.
                    JACQUELINE
          Oh, I don’t really know. I printed
          off a guide from the website YaHOO
          Answers. But Vogue says that murder
          mysteries are a "chic and
          delightful reminder that it is only
          through jest and role-play that we
          will ever even acknowledge the
          plethora of hardships that most
          only know as the bleak reality of
          existence." Go buy a party kit
          somewhere and hire an actor or two.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

SCENE TWO

          KIMMY
Can I hire Titus to play the dead

guy?

          JACQUELINE
Oh, I stopped listening after I
said YaHOO. Do whatever.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:
INT. PARTY AND COSTUME SHOP
PAN DOWN over wall of risque women’s maid costumes to show
Kimmy standing facing it. She turns around and sighs,
looking down at Murder Mystery Kit she is holding.
                    KIMMY
          There are lots of maid costumes,
          but none of them look like yours,
          Ms. Featherfluffer.
Al Nadar passes in partystore uniform and stops when he sees
Kimmy looking sad.
                    AL
          Hey now, parties are supposed to
          make you feel like you’re made out
          of butterflies. What’s got you
          down, girl?
                    KIMMY
          Oh, Hi! Do you have any maid
          costumes that look like this? I
          need to dress up for a murder
          mystery party tonight!
Kimmy shows him Party Box with maid character.
                    AL
               (Gesturing to wall of scantily
               clad young women with
               defeated, soulless eyes)
          None of these got you inspired?
                    KIMMY
          None of them seem like something a

maid would really wear, you know? Although having the perseverance to create a shirt that is somehow

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

                    KIMMY (cont’d)
          smaller than the bra underneath it
          is a little impressive.
                    AL
               (stage whispers as if
               revealing a secret)
          No it’s not, they just use shirts
          for unusually large babies and
          normal sized small children.
Al crouches down and rifles through costumes at the back of
the bottom shelf, struggling for a moment, and finally
pulling a normal maid costume out.
                    KIMMY
          This is perfect!
                    AL
          Anytime, miss. They don’t sell well
          but I gotta keep the real costumes
          somewhere for when I need to
          impersonate an officer of the law
          or bring my own costume for a play.
                    KIMMY
          You act??
                    AL
          Yes, I’ve been slowly realizing
          that my dream of being a party
          store sales associate wasn’t quite
          as fulfilling as I thought it would
          be as a kid. I guess I’ve turned to
          acting because I need a corporate
          sell-out job to finance my lavish
          lifestyle while I’m in between
          sales.
                    KIMMY
          So you wouldn’t be interested in
          doing an acting job tonight? For a
          party? We need someone.
                    AL
          Woman, I am desperate. I’ll even be

the maid.

                    KIMMY
          We need a red herring.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

                    AL
          I don’t do fish, I’m sorry, but I’v
          been there and... I’m just not
          budging on this.
                    KIMMY
          No, we need you to look like the
          bad guy to make people suspicious
          and throw them off the trail of the
          real killer!
                    AL
          I can do that, I’ve got a pretty
          intimidating Russian accent. I’m
          Al, by the way. Al Nadar.
                    KIMMY
               (Shaking his hand)
          Nice to meet you! I’m--
                    TITUS
          KIMMY COUGAR SCHMIDT
Titus, dressed as Glinda from the Wizard of Oz has exited
dressing room to see Kimmy holding hands with his old rival
Al.
                    KIMMY
          Hey, Titus! I found our actor! His

name is–

                    TITUS
          Al Nadar, Role thief.
                    AL
          Hey Titus, c’mon, it’s been ten
          years. It’s good to see you buddy.
               (Holds out hand to shake)
                    TITUS
          Kimmy, a moooooment.
Titus pulls Kimmy aside.
                    TITUS
          Kimmy, this is my enemy. He stole
          my role in Monica Lewinsky: The
          Musical.

Who?

KIMMY

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

                    TITUS
          Kimmy, how do you not know who
          Monica Lewinsky is? The Oval Office
          POTUS Coitus scandal that shook the
          nation harder than Louise Woodward
          popping a baby into bed!
                    KIMMY
          Bunker, Titus.
                    TITUS
          Right, of course. Regardless, this
          Al Nadar character is not to be
          trusted.
                    KIMMY
          Well then he’ll be the perfect red

herring!

                    TITUS
          Oh Kimmy, you think you’re actually
          hiring him? HA!
                    KIMMY
          Already did Titus. I think he’s a
          really nice guy. Why won’t you give
          him another shot?
                    TITUS
          He ruined my chance at the role of
          a lifetime Kimmy! He ruined my fake
          presidency worse than the real
          Nadar ruined the Gore’s!
                    AL
          You guys know you just took a step
          and turned away, right? I can hear
          everything you’re saying.
                    TITUS
               (glancing back at Al)
          How very rude of you, this is a
          private conversation.
Titus takes one small step further away from Al.
                    TITUS
          Much more private now. But listen
          to me, Kimmy, let’s just find
          someone else.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

                    KIMMY
          It’s too late Titus. We won’t have
          time to find someone else by
          tonight and he’s really funny!
                    TITUS
          Do you think I care, Kimothy??
                    KIMMY
          Titus, it was ten years ago. You’ll
          be fine. Plus no one really talks
          to dead people besides that kid
          that’s friends with Bruce Willis.
          You can pretend he isn’t even
          there.
               (Kimmy turns back to Al)
                    KIMMY (CONTD)
          Al, we’ll take the party kit, and
          the maid costume, some fake blood,
          leave the dress (gestures to Titus)
          and see you at 6!

SCENE THREE

FADE IN:
INT. VOORHEES LIVING ROOM - LATER - AFTERNOON

CUT TO:

Jacqueline is seated on COUCH surrounded by CRIME
SHOW/MYSTERY DVDS. Kimmy can be seen behind applying makeup
to Titus’s face.

Kimmy!

JACQUELINE

          KIMMY
Yes, Mrs. Voorhees?
          JACQUELINE
You’ve seen the clues for the
party, so you know how it ends,
right?
          KIMMY
No way José am I telling you!
          JACQUELINE
But I want to win, Kimmy.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.

                    KIMMY
          Nuh-uh! That will ruin the
          surprise! The rever--my old
          babysitter used to say: "Curiosity
          killed the cat because answers give
          you cancers!"
                    JACQUELINE
          I want to say that doesn’t make
          sense, but it rhymes so well...
               (stares off into space for a
               beat)
                    JACQUELINE(CONTD)
          At least help me figure out what to

watch next to prepare. I’m almost done with CLUE, should I move on to Scooby Doo or How to Get Away with Murder?

KIMMY
How to Get Away with Murder? Wow,

          you really can learn everything on
          TV now!
JULIAN VOORHEES enters followed by JOHAN VON HOUSEN VAN DER
HOUSEN and JOHANNA VON HOUSEN VAN DER HOUSEN
                    JULIAN
          ...needless to say, that’s the last
          time I went to a club with an und--
               (Sees Jacqueline)
                    JULIAN(CONTD)
          --and this is the living room. Your
          room is down here...
               (Julian exits with Johan and
               Johanna and quickly re-enters
               alone)
                    JULIAN
          Jacqueline, the party is ready,
          correct?
               (Jacqueline looks at Kimmy for
               anwswer)
                    KIMMY
          Yessiree!
                    JACQUELINE
          Yessir--Yes. Just yes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10.

                    JULIAN
          Good. Johan is an important partner
          with the company, so I don’t want
          any embarrassment.

Julian gives Jacqueline a stern, parental look. Jacqueline turns and gives the same look to Kimmy. Kimmy turns and gives the same look to Tim Curry’s CLUE character on the TV screen. However, when she looks, Curry is already giving a disappointed look. Kimmy looks defeated and then suspicious of TV.)

SCENE FOUR

FADE IN:

INT. VOORHEES HALLWAY

CUT TO:

Kimmy is hiding a clue in a bouquet of flowers in the
hallway when she hears Johan on the phone in his room
speaking very quickly and angrily. She sneaks closer, only
some of the conversation is audible. Half in Dutch, but
Kimmy hears the words ’her body’ ’hair’ ’get rid of extra
body parts’.
                    KIMMY
               (to self)
          Oh my god, he sounds like he just
          killed someone.
               (beat)
          I should get involved.
Kimmy facetimes Titus and puts him on mute before he could
talk.
                    KIMMY
               (whispering)
          Titus, this is very important. I
          need you to spy for me.
Kimmy puts phone on Buckley’s selfie stick
                    KIMMY (CONTD)
          I think there was a murder.

(beat)
And yes, I know the party isn’t a real murder. I mean a real real murder. Mr. Voorhees’s friend. Just look, okay?

Kimmy creeps up to door and slowly slides end of phone under
door room while still staying hidden. Johan keeps yelling

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

for a few moments, until he hangs up angrily. Kimmy pulls
phone back and after a beat runs away into nearby room and
unmutes Titus.
                    KIMMY
          Well, did you see anything?
                    TITUS
          What an angry little blonde tulip.
          He needs to take some anger
          management classes and clean up his
          room.
                    KIMMY
          What was there? What did you see?
                    TITUS
          Your paltry cinematography skills
          did me no favors but a took some
          screen shots, I’ll send them now.
Kimmy opens pictures, which look like a normal but very
messy room. After a beat she notices the locks of blonde
hair sticking out of Johan’s overstuffed suitcase.
                    KIMMY
          Titus, look at that hair! That’s

not normal.

                    TITUS
          It’s probably just a wig, Kimmy.
          You have no reason to be
          suspicious.
                    KIMMY
          Well before I called you he was
          talking about body parts and human
          hair and other stuff I couldn’t
          understand because he was speaking
          in some sort of made up language.
                    TITUS
          Kimmy, first of all, that’s Dutch.
          It’s very real.
                    KIMMY
          Well it sounds like my code
          language in the bunker.
                    TITUS
          It’s real, Kimmy. And more
          importantly, you should’ve have
          opened with ’I just heard a creepy

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

12.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

          TITUS (cont’d)
old Dutch man talking about body
part and human hair’!
          KIMMY
Sorry, I had to act quick.
          TITUS
Well now that I know he was angry
about body parts and human hair and
people disrespecting his native
tongue, I would like to change my
reaction to very suspicious.
          KIMMY
Who was he talking to?? Do you
think he’s in the Dutch Mafia?
          TITUS
There’s a Dutch Mafia?
          KIMMY
There isn’t?
          TITUS
The Dutch are not typically known
for their violence or gang
activity.
          KIMMY
I thought it was like the Olympics
where every country gets a team.
Huh.
          TITUS
And judging by the state of that

bedroom, I would say that he would lean more toward unorganized crime.

END OF ACT ONE

INT. VOORHEES KITCHEN
Kimmy is in her maid costume, looking at party kit character
cards.
                    KIMMY
               (in Cockney accent)
          Tonight, I will be playing the
          maid, ’Mah-ry Feathahfluffah.’ I

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

13.

                    KIMMY (cont’d)
          made ’er a Brit because they’ah
          more elegant. I’m like the Mah-ry
          Poppins o’ the night.
                    TITUS
          That’s not what Mary Poppins sounds
          like, Eliza Doolittle.
                    KIMMY
          Well it’s the only accent I rem’ber
          from the movie, mate.
                    AL
          I think it sounds great, Kimmy.
          Very authentic.
Titus shoots Al a glare.
                    KIMMY
          Thank you, kind sire. Okay, Titus,
          you’re playing Guster Gustafon, the
          murder victim. You’s a friendly
          German man visitin’ America for the
          first time. You get ya throat slit
          in the empty guest bedroom.
                    TITUS
          German? Why isn’t he French?
                    KIMMY
          What’s wrong with German?
                    TITUS
          Kimmy, Germans are terrifying. No
          one would try to kill one and live
          to tell the tale. The French are
          much more vulnerable.
                    KIMMY
          Oi, that sounds like a stereotype
          bruv.
Titus shoots Kimmy an unamused look.
                    TITUS
          Is it, "bruv"?
                    KIMMY
          Fair point, mate. Frog legs it is!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

14.

          TITUS
     (shaking head)
Urgh, les rosbifs.
          KIMMY
Aight, Al, you’s the red he’ing
tonight, Jeb Ellis. Fake ’em out.
Be real suspicious like.
          TITUS
     (under breath)
No acting required there.
          KIMMY
You’re the weird guy, the one who
says the wrong thing, looks
generally like a creep-ah.
          AL
Got it. Did I mention your eyeballs
look lovely this evening, Ms.
Featherbottom.
          KIMMY
     (grimaces)

Very good.

          TITUS
Whatever, I’ll be the one stealing
the show tonight.
          AL
Titus, you realize you spend the
entire night after dinner lying in
a bedroom, perfectly still, wearing
fake blood, right? Which is exactly
how I like it.
          TITUS
You’d best pray I don’t become a
zombie and come after you, Nadar.
          KIMMY
     (pulling Titus aside and using
     normal voice)
Focus, okay? Tonight we are
focusing on figuring out Johan.
Leave Al alone.
          TITUS
     (sighing)

Fine.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

15.

     KIMMY
(in cockney accent again)
          Promise?
          Whatever you say, Dyke van Dyke.
SCENE TWO
FADE IN:
INT. VOORHEES DINING ROOM

TITUS

All guests (Voorhees family, Johan and Johanna, Kimmy,
Titus, Al, two other boring couples that Julian knows) are
seated at dining room table. All are waiting for food.
                    JACQUELINE
               (coughs loudly and glare at
               Kimmy)
          It’s amazing how maids now a days
          think they can just sit down at the
          table and someone else will bring
          them dinner. Life doesn’t work like
          that, sweetie. There are no
          handouts. Now go serve our food.
                    TITUS
          Oh oui, je suis trez hungry after
          all of ze travel. It make me very
          tired, no?
Titus looks around to see if people are buying his act.
                    KIMMY
               (standing up from chair)
          Oh, uh, right! Dinnah will be right
          out.
                    AL
          I can’t wait. If I get too hungry,
          I can get mildly violent.
Kimmy enters kitchen and exits struggling to carry large
platter.
                    KIMMY
          The Beef Wellington is now--
Kimmy stumbles and almost drops food.

CUT TO:

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16.

                    KIMMY (CONTD)
          --ready fo’ ya eatin’. Hope you lot
          enjoy it.
Kimmy awkwardly shoves platter onto table.
                    KIMMY
               (to Jacqueline as she sits)
          Oi miss, I be best at cleaning
          chimneys, innit.
                    AL
          It’s truly amazing the things you
          can hide in chimneys. Empty cans,
          used chairs, dogs you get bored
          of...
                    TITUS
          You clean chimneys now?
                    KIMMY
               (very serious, whispering)
          NO Titus. Just drop it, okay? It’s
          just a character.
                    TITUS
          Okay. Shall we make a plan?
                    KIMMY
          We’ve gotta be subtle. I’ll ’draw

up a map’.

Kimmy begins drawing with her food to create a map. Titus
leans over to correct it. Montage shows food maps of NYC
subway, USA, Westeros, Route to Mordor, and Map from Dora
the Explorer, before the settle on a simply L-shaped map of
the hallway. The two wink to each other very conspicuously.

SCENE THREE

FADE IN:

INT. VOORHEES BEDROOM
Kimmy is applying fake blood to Titus’s neck as they set up
his death scene.
                    KIMMY
          Hopefully no one noticed us rush
          out after dinner. They might think
          I’m the killer!

CUT TO:

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

17.

                    TITUS
          Kimmy, stop wasting time with me.
          Go look in Johan’s room while
          everyone is occupied. Al should be
          leading the group in to discover my
          body and laugh at his final victory
          over the great Titus Andronicus.
                    KIMMY
          If I find anything, I’ll text you.
                    TITUS
          Dead people can’t text.
                    KIMMY
          They can when nobody’s looking.
INT. JOHAN’S BEDROOM

CUT TO:

Kimmy goes up to the hair hanging out of the suitcase. She
tries to lift suitcase, but it is incredibly heavy.
                    KIMMY
               (to self)
          Like a body...
Kimmy takes a picture and texts to Titus with caption "IT"S
A BODY". As Kimmy attempts to open suitcase to investigate
further, Johan begins to open the door, taking his time as
he is talking on his cell phone. Kimmy jumps into fireplace.
                    JOHAN
          What are you doing in here, girl?
                    KIMMY
               (in cockney accent)
          I’m just wipin’ up the soot, ain’t
          I mate?
                    JOHAN
          Aren’t you the maid?
                    KIMMY
          Oi, that’s right I am, maid of the
          chimneys, bruv, innit, mate?
Johan stares at Kimmy with an annoyed expression and walks
out to continue phone call.
INT. VOORHEES BEDROOM

CUT TO:

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

Titus sees text message from Kimmy.
                    TITUS
               (gasps)
          There’s been a murder after all.
As he puts his phone away, the party enters, all shocked.
They begin arguing between one another about how he died and
who did it. Titus’s phone vibrates again and he quickly
glances down to see Kimmy’s text: HELP!
                    TITUS
               (hums horror movie music)
Titus begins to move slightly to make a break for it and run
to Kimmy, but realizes that no one has noticed a thing. They
are too busy arguing. He stands up. Still no response.
          Ahem.
No response.
     TITUS
(coughing)
     TITUS
(coughing louder)
          AHEM!
Group turns to look finally, not shocked by his movement.
                    TITUS
          If any of you cared to notice, I am

now une ghost. I am disappointed by how little you are reacting or supporting my decision to be undead. To make up for it, you may present me with flowers and chocolates at the end of the night. Only vegan chocolate though. Ghosts can’t eat real food.

                    AL
          Vegan chocolate is better anyways.
Titus gives him a horrified look. Titus’s phone buzzes
again.
                    JACQUELINE
               (in over the top Southern
               Belle accent)
          What in the heavens are you doin’
          off the ground? You was just deader
          than a doornail, bless your soul.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

Titus gives Jacqueline a confused look.
                    JACQUELINE
               (normal voice)
          What? I wanted an accent too.
                    TITUS
          I sensed another deathly presence

in the house.

                    JACQUELINE
               (angry stage whisper to Titus)
          That’s not how the game works. One.
          Body. Only.
                    AL
               (interjects, whispering as
               well)
          I’m totally cool with having
          multiple dead bodies.
                    TITUS
          Oh I don’t care anymore, follow me,

everyone!

INT. JOHAN’S BEDROOM

CUT TO:

Kimmy is trying to open to suitcase again as Johan enters
again. He hangs up phone and starts yelling.
                    JOHAN
          [ANGRY YELLING IN DUTCH]
INT. VOORHEES HALLWAY
Jacqueline is trying to block Titus in the hallway.
                    JACQUELINE
               (angry whisper)
          I don’t know why you’re trying to
          ruin this, but I’m going to win
          this, dammit.
INT. JOHAN’S BEDROOM

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

20.

                    JOHAN
          What are you doing??
                    KIMMY
               (still in character)
          Nothin’ mate, nothin’ at all, swear
          on me mum...
Johan approaches fireplace and grabs the fire iron and grips
it well, pointing down at Kimmy.
INT. VOORHEES HALLWAY
Kimmy’s scream is audible.
                    TITUS
               (glaring at Jacqueline)

I told you.
Titus and rest of party push past Jacqueline. She scoffs,

crosses arms, and rolls eyes like a child.
INT. JOHAN’S BEDROOM

CUT TO:

Group enters and sees Johan threatening Kimmy. He
immediately drops iron and puts hands up. Jacqueline enters
a beat later.
                    KIMMY
               (pointing to suitcase)

Murder!

                    JACQUELINE
          Don’t mind her, she’s always late
          to the game if you know what I
          mean.
Jacqueline cups hands and fake yells very patronizingly.
                    JACQUELINE(CONTD)
          We. Know. Kimmy. The game is
          literally called mur-der my-ster-y.
               (turns back and says
               reassuringly to other guests)
          This isn’t even the right body,
          very embarrassing.
Julian pushes through group.

CUT TO:

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

21.

                    JULIAN
          What the hell is this, Johan?
Julian walks over and un-jams suitcase zipper, opening it to
reveal plastic body that is clearly a sex doll.
                    JOHAN
               (nervously)
          I run a side business...
          Julian...It’s not a big deal.
                    AL
          Yeah, Julian. This is child’s play
          compared to the dolls of the big
          shots.
Julian looks closely at doll, noting its real hair.
Everywhere.
                    JULIAN
          Is this human hair? It feels like
          it. And is most certainly of
          Eastern European descent. Not only
          is that illegal, but now it’s
          despicable.
Al crouches and smells hair.
                    AL
          Oh, it smells quite Bosnian.
                    KIMMY
               (whispering to Titus)
          How does he know where it’s from?
                    TITUS
               (whispering back)
          One at a time, Kimmy. Take ’em one
          at a time.
                    JACQUELINE
          Kimmy! You’ve embarrassed us so

much! You’re fired! You’re the true killer of the party.

                    KIMMY
          Jacqueline, you figured it out!

What?

JACQUELINE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

22.

                    KIMMY
          I was the killer! You just won!
                    JACQUELINE
          HA! Take that, losers!
                    AL
          It wasn’t me? Even I’m shocked.
Jacqueline basks in her victory, and is fawned over by the
other women at the party.
                    JULIAN
          Johan, this can’t keep up. It was
          one thing when you got those muppet
          hookers in college but an illegal
          trade? I can’t afford to have feds
          looking into the company.
                    JOHAN
          You can’t just--
                    JULIAN
          Can’t I? I just did. You’re fired.
          Take your weird dolls home.
               (to Johanna as he places hand
               on her arm)
          Not you, my dear, you’re lovely.
          Stay as long as you’d like.
Julian’s hand lingers a little too long on her arm.
                    JULIAN(CONTD)
               (quickly moving past his
               flirtation)

Anyways, Kimmy, thank you. KIMMY

          For killing Guster?
                    JULIAN
          ...for saving me from the
          embarrassment at work. I can’t
          afford to be tied with shady deals
          or have people looking into our
          work. I own you one.
Julian shakes Kimmy’s hand.
                    KIMMY
          You’re very welcome!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

23.

OUTRO

FADE IN:

          JACQUELINE
Kimmy, you’re the best! Thank you!
          KIMMY
For helping Julian?
          JACQUELINE
No, for killing Guster Whatever his
name was. You’ve made me a hero!
          KIMMY
So I’m not fired?
          JACQUELINE
     (laughing too hard)
What are you talking about? Fired?
You’re almost as crazy Jeb.
          AL
That’s pretty crazy Kimmy. I can
get us a two-for-one deal at my
favorite sanitarium if you’re down.
INT. VOORHEES KITCHEN
Titus and Al are sitting at kitchen counter as they divide
their money.
                    TITUS
          Hope you had fun truly being

yourself tonight, Al. You should try auditioning for the American Psycho musical.

                    AL
          Why do you hate me so much? We had
          the same audition, like, years ago.
                    TITUS
          Because of you I didn’t get my
          breakout role as Bill Clinton!
                    AL
          And you think I got it?? Some
          Puerto Rican with a woman’s name
          came in a week later rapped the
          damn song so they put me in
          ensemble.

CUT TO:

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

24.

LBJ?

Yes!

          TITUS
It’s in the name!

AL TITUS

          TITUS
     (softening)

Really?

          AL
Yeah, and I was cut entirely when
we made the switch from
Off-Off-Broadway to Off-Broadway
anyways.
          TITUS
Maybe you aren’t so terrible then.
You were almost funny tonight and
I’ll admit, I was convinced you
were crazy.
          AL
Hey, just trying to hone the craft.
Besides, Clinton isn’t very cool
any more. He’s vegan.
          TITUS
     (excited now)
You know who was a real scoundrel
that no one talks about?
          TITUS
     (waves arm, seeing it now)
I can see it now!
          AL
A BJ for LBJ.
          TITUS
If one mistress can make it to
Broadway, then an entire chorus
line of them in unstoppable!
          AL
It’s in the name!
END OF EPISODE
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