Writing

Emily Drouillard

Month: November, 2016

Carnival Destiny – Wes Anderson Sketch

TEXT READS: And now an exclusive clip from Wes Anderson’s upcoming film “The Carnival Destiny”

Establishing shot of cruise ship named Carnival Destiny

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

(scratching large beard, smoking old pipe, dressed elaborately as captain)

Aye, the depths of the waters are not as shallow as you’d think they be.

JENNY

(Dressed in typical Wes Anderson style)

What’s down there Captain? Should we be frightened?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Not unless you’re down there yourself, but it’s worth the danger to see. I’d go back if I could.

JEROME

(Dressed in typical Wes Anderson style)

What did you see?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye would ye even believe me? It was so fantastical it sometimes feels like I was touched by magic.

FIRST MATE LUDO SIGHS IN BACKGROUND, ANNOYED

JEROME

All of that must be so surreal, being so deep underwater is like the entrance to another world.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

See, Jerome, Jenny, this is why I want you to stay on the ship and work for me. You understand the splendor of the ocean and her vast mysteries.

JENNY

Why don’t you go down anymore though? Why do you need us?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Because the day she killed my brother was the last day I touched those waters. If I even dip my hand back in, she’ll smell me and seek me out. She’s vicious, out to get me for breaking her heart.

JEROME

Her?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

The mermaid.

JEROME

The mermaid??

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye, the most evil mermaid in the bottom of the Atlantic. Esmerelda. Hair as silver and deadly as mercury.

First Mate Ludo

(Exasperated, dressed like he actually works on a Carnival cruise)

Mermaids? Again?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Ludo, begone! Now is not the time for this.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Guys, mermaids don’t exist. You know this.

JENNY

But, he just said..

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye, like I said, she had evil in her soul, a heart blacker than the shell of a mussel.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Mussel shells aren’t even that black.

JENNY

How’d you meet her?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Well, it began when I set off upon my first expedition with the Carnival Destiny…

FIRST MATE LUDO

This is a cruise ship. You don’t do expeditions.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Stop. I’m trying to reminisce about my beloved experiences at sea before I had that love so brutally ripped from my hands.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Okay, sorry, sorry. You’re right.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

The death of a brother is a pain that cuts deep. I could feel it through my salty heart when he took his last breath on land.

JENNY

Wow. I’m so sorry Captain.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Thank you, young one. It still haunts me to this day. To lose your brother at the hand of your lover…

FIRST MATE LUDO

Lover? Come on, is this even appropriate? They’re kids.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Yes, we were passionate. Esmerelda could harness the fury of the seas and I’d felt nothing else like it ever before.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Okay how could she even be your lover? Mermaids don’t even have, you know, like…

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

How can you claim to know what she looked like when you don’t even believe in her evil, water-bound spirit?

FIRST MATE LUDO

Well yeah, regardless, she doesn’t exist, so it doesn’t matter if she has… No mermaids do.

JEROME

I don’t know, she sounds pretty real.

JENNY

Why did you become a pirate captain? Was it for love or revenge?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Both, I must say. Because love and hate are two sides of the same doubloon.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Pirate? This is a Carnival Cruise ship. We picked you up in Orlando.

JEROME

But back in the day it used to be a pirate ship, the Captain led fearlessly on his quest, right Captain?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye, quite fearlessly.

FIRST MATE LUDO

This ship was built 7 years ago.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Agh, why must you bother me so? I want to spread my love of the sea but caution the young against her evils.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Ok I’m not stopping you from doing that. I just can’t let you recruit any more children.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Age is of no matter to me.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Don’t say that again, really.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Children have imaginations much more capable of grasping just how much wonder and folly is out there, dancing upon the sea foam, waiting to be plucked from the waters.

FIRST MATE LUDO

It’s just that child labor, despite your best efforts, is still illegal.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Well I am the captain of my own ship, I can feel when a sailor’s soul is ready.

JENNY

Do you think mine is??

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

You’ve got the heart for it.

JEROME

What about me?? Could I do it too?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

(Takes Jerome’s hands and closes his eyes)

You’ve got the hands of a sailor, ready to work hard and toughen over the years.

JEROME

Yay! Oh I can’t wait to sail with you.

FIRST MATE LUDO

You seriously cannot do this again. Their trip ends on Saturday.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

If they want to dedicate their life to the mysteries of the sea, who am I to stop them?

FIRST MATE LUDO

Yeah but the last time you said that we got sued into the ground by the families and required to put up bars to prevent children falling overboard.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

All’s fair in love and sea.

FIRST MATE LUDO

That’s not even close? When are you going to realize you are endangering peoples lives?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

We have nothing to worry about. Do you not hear the quirky soundtrack, or see the pastel scheme of this boat? The bellboy that’s actually Bill Murray? Do you think any of this is real?

FIRST MATE LUDO

(Seriously troubled now)

Holy shit, that’s really Bill Murray. But, it seemed.. so real..?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Son, that feeling never goes away. Esmerelda is real to me, as real as this being a cruise ship is to you. Carnival is not a brand, but a metaphor for the journey of being. You must begin your journey. It is your…Carnival Destiny.

FIRST MATE LUDO

But, how?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Take the small life boat and these supplies and search for her. You can be my first mate now not only in ship, but it life. Complete my work, please. It is my dying wish.

FIRST MATE LUDO

I really can’t believe I’m saying this but… Aye Captain.

LUDO GATHERS THINGS AND SETS OFF, WE HEAR HIM SPLASH INTO OVEAN

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Ok kids, now that that asshole’s gone and outta my way, let’s hit the buffet. I can squeeze in another 30 minutes of story time before I have to go back to driving this lug of a cruise ship. Fuck Carnival. I mean, sorry kids, Carnival blows.

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John Oliver Monologue

John Oliver:

Hello, and welcome to Last Week Tonight. I’m John Oliver, and tonight we are going to start out talking about politics.

I know, surprise surprise. But what else is there to even talk about? This election cycle is continuously striving to out do itself each and every day. It just won’t settle. It’s like special effects in movies. They began as small, practical effects that brought exhilaration to what you were watching. But as time went on, we could tell a lot of it was really fake.

So, technology advanced, we demanded our special effects get bigger, get better, appear more real to us. And that has left us where we are today. While it would be very naive to even pretend politics hasn’t always been the shit-slinging scandal sanctuary we know and love it to be, this time we have somehow actually gone above and beyond that.

The old elections are like the effects of E.T flying in front of the moon, or casting spells in Harry Potter. We know it’s fake, but it’s part of the game, part of the mystique, it’s simple. 2016, on the other hand, is more like an enormous C4 and gasoline atomic bomb Transformers orgy led by Michael Bay if he had a worse coke habit than he probably already does. Read the rest of this entry »

Between Two Ferns – Lin Manuel Miranda

INT. BETWEEN TWO FERNS SET

ZAch

Hello everyone, this is another edition of Between Two Ferns. I’m here with Linda Manual Miranda.

TEXT READS “LINDA MANUAL MIRANDA”

Lin Manuel

It’s Lin Manuel.

ZACH

No, wait, I was supposed to go first. Pan back to me. I’m Zach Galifianakis, your host.

TEXT READS “ZACH GALIFIANAKIS, HOST”

BEAT

LIN MANUEL

And…?

ZACH

And what?

LIN MANUEL

And I’m Lin Manuel Mir-

ZACH

This is Linda Manual Miranda.

BEAT

LIN MANUEL

It’s Lin Manuel.

ZACH

Fine. Lin Manuel.

TEXT READS “LINDA MANUAL MIRANDA”

BEAT

LIN MANUEL

Are you going to interview me?

ZACH

(Checking his nails)

Oh, yeah. This is Lin Mandel, he’s the self-proclaimed biggest fan of Hamilton the musical. Read the rest of this entry »

Doctor Know It All

INT: DOCTOR’S EXAMINATION ROOM

YOUNG, VISIBLY PREGNANT, FEMALE PATIENT WAITS IN ROOM UNTIL MALE DOCTOR ENTERS.

DOCTOR

Hi! You must be Ellen, my new patient!

ELLEN

Yes! Thank you for seeing me on such short notice. It’s a shame Dr. Grayson has pneumonia but I’m happy I found someone in the same practice!

DOCTOR

Me too, much less paperwork.

ELLEN

What did you say your name was?

DOCTOR

Oh, I didn’t.

BEAT

ELLEN

Well what is your name?

DOCTOR

Doctor.

ELLEN

Doctor what though?

DOCTOR

Doctor.

ELLEN

Dr. Doctor?

DOCTOR

Yes.

ELLEN

But..

DOCTOR

Where do you think the word ‘Doctor’ originated?

ELLEN

Surely before you were…

DOCTOR

So, let’s get to the nitty gritty here. What seems to be the problem?

ELLEN

(Gesturing towards rotund belly)

Well-

DOCTOR

That does look to be quite the problem. We can definitely deal with that quickly and efficiently, you’ll be ready for the beach in no time! Read the rest of this entry »

Portlandia – Feminist Book Store Sketch

FADE IN:

INT: WOMEN AND WOMEN FIRST BOOKSTORE

(Candace, Toni)

A YOUNG MAN STANDS AT THE COUNTER WAITING TO CHECK OUT.

Candace

You know, the store feels more quiet than usual.

Toni

You mean quieter.

CANDACE

No, more quiet. Quieter isn’t a word, Toni.

TONI

I’m pretty su–

CANDACE

QUI-eter… Qui-ET-er… koo-wyyA-tur… Qui..Qui-uh… QUI-ooh-ter… Qui-a-TIT-er?

TONI

Quieter. Qui-it-er.

CANDACE

TIT, that’s the problem. I can feel my supple blouse being ripped off of me every time you say that word.

TONI

Quieter doesn’t have tit in it.

CANDACE

There’s really no way to be sure of that.

CUSTOMER

Uh… There’s no ‘tit’ in quieter.

CANDACE

Excuse me? Did you just say ‘tit’ to me? That was completely inappropriate and entirely unnecessary. What little dust particle floated into your ear and got stuck in your little brain and possessed you to say that word to me? We were having a private conversation and frankly I’m disturbed you would eavesdrop like that.

CUSTOMER

You’re right in front of me though, and you brought up tits?

TONI

Sir, please calm down.

CANDACE

Did you just say “tits”? What is your obsession with saying that word? Do you have tourettes? Is that your tick, being sexist? It feels like I’m trapped in the Playboy mansion being drowned in a pool made of Hugh Hefner’s soiled velvet robes and giant silicone implants.

TONI

(PULLS OUT DICTIONARY)

Seriously, it doesn’t say tit.

CANDACE

“It”? What is “it”?

TONI

The dictionary.

CANDACE

The DICKtionary? You’re kidding me, right? Who wrote it?

TONI

Uh..

CANDACE

Ugh let me look at it. No author? What is this, the Wikipedia of books? About words? And dicks?

TONI

Sort of, I think? I think it was compiled like the Bible.

CANDACE

Oh, the Bible, great. I bet they left Lilith out of this one too.

TONI

It should be the Lilith English Dictionary.

CANDACE

And “Oxford” English? Do I look like some kind of spry little boy wearing tights and playing a flute before a Shakespeare play?

TONI

Sometimes, but not right now.

CANDACE

This isn’t “Ye Olde” England!

BOTH LOOK UP, SHOCKED TO SEE CUSTOMER STILL THERE.

CANDACE

What are you still doing here?

CUSTOMER

What? I’ve been trying to buy this book for like fifteen minutes.

TONI

(WHISPERING)

You really need to keep your voice down. This is getting ridiculous.

CANDACE

(FLIPPING THROUGH DICTIONARY HALFHAZARDLY)

How do you find anything in this? Nothing’s in the right order? It’s alphabetical — that’s useless. It should be sorted by mood or aesthetic or which chakra it’s most aligned with. Figures, starting the name of a book with a feature of male anatomy.

TONI

It really is time for an update. A Feministionary.

CANDACE

That’s a great idea, Toni.

CUSTOMER

I really need this for class, can I just leave cash here and go?

CANDACE

No! Come back tomorrow, I can’t even believe you came in here. We are clearly in the middle of the creative process. Honestly, young people are so entitled.

CUT TO NEXT DAY:

YOUNG MALE CUSTOMER FROM BEFORE ENTERS.

CUSTOMER

Can I just get the book and go?

CANDACE

Well, “hello” to you too. What a rude way to enter a store and greet a stranger.

TONI

It’s like just because we’re women we’re suddenly your personal librarians.

CANDACE

How are we even supposed to know what book you want? Does it look like I have my custom-made Native Americans of the North East tarot cards out right now, do you see any recently-gazed-into crystal balls lying around?

CUSTOMER

I was here yesterday.

TONI

It was really quiet yesterday.

CANDACE

We stood completely still and stared straight ahead and didn’t utter a single word to each other for the entire day so I have no idea what you’re talking about.

CUSTOMER

(PLACES BOOK ON COUNTER)

I’m just trying to get The Ovarian Mystique for a class.

CANDACE

This piece of trash?

TONI

Who would even sell this sort of thing?

CANDACE TRIES TO TEAR BOOK IN TWO BUT CANNOT. SHE DROPS IT AND SHOVES IT ASIDE WITH HER FOOT.

CANDACE

Try this instead, the recently published Feministionary, New Lilith Edition.

TONI HANDS THE CUSTOMER A SINGLE PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS

“WOMAN (n): Goddess.

LILITH (n): See “Woman”.”

TONI

The New Lilith Edition features the inclusion of “Lilith”.