Between Two Ferns – Lin Manuel Miranda

by Emily Drouillard

INT. BETWEEN TWO FERNS SET

ZAch

Hello everyone, this is another edition of Between Two Ferns. I’m here with Linda Manual Miranda.

TEXT READS “LINDA MANUAL MIRANDA”

Lin Manuel

It’s Lin Manuel.

ZACH

No, wait, I was supposed to go first. Pan back to me. I’m Zach Galifianakis, your host.

TEXT READS “ZACH GALIFIANAKIS, HOST”

BEAT

LIN MANUEL

And…?

ZACH

And what?

LIN MANUEL

And I’m Lin Manuel Mir-

ZACH

This is Linda Manual Miranda.

BEAT

LIN MANUEL

It’s Lin Manuel.

ZACH

Fine. Lin Manuel.

TEXT READS “LINDA MANUAL MIRANDA”

BEAT

LIN MANUEL

Are you going to interview me?

ZACH

(Checking his nails)

Oh, yeah. This is Lin Mandel, he’s the self-proclaimed biggest fan of Hamilton the musical.

LIN MANUEL

Well, I actually wrote the musical. And starred in it.

ZACH

Then where were you last night? I went to do research for the interview and someone else played Hamilton.

LIN MANUEL

You do research for these interviews?

ZACH

Does this look like a part time job to you?

LIN MANUEL

(Looks around)

Yes.

ZACH

I see you’re ignoring the topic of your fraud.

LIN MANUEL

Fraud?

ZACH

Yes. Fraud.

LIN MANUEL

Fraud?

ZACH

YES. FRAUD.

LIN MANUEL

What fr-

ZACH

The fraud of when I went to go see your play and you weren’t in it!

LIN MANUEL

Well I just stepped down from the role. That’s normal on Broadway.

ZACH

I’m having a hard time believing that.

LIN MANUEL

Excuse me?

ZACH

You just don’t look like someone with very much talent. Let alone capable of being President of America.

LIN MANUEL

Alexander Hamilton wasn’t President.

ZACH

Well then why is he on our money? Do your research.

LIN MANUEL STARES IN DISBELIEF

ZACH

So, Linda, who’s your favorite President?

LIN MANUEL

I’d have to say the one I respect most is George Washington, especially after spending a year on stage with the character inspired by hi-

ZACH

“On stage”

LIN MANUEL

What is your problem with me?

ZACH

You just don’t look look you’d be very good at anything.

LIN MANUEL

Then why did you invite me here?

ZACH

This is an expose.

LIN MANUEL

On what?

ZACH

On election fraud.

LIN MANUEL

Wait, what?

ZACH

(Cups hands to shout at Lin Manuel)

ELECTION FRAUD.

LIN MANUEL

I… I don’t even… what?

ZACH

It’s like you’re incapable of comprehending the word fraud.

LIN MANUEL

You just switched what kind of fraud you’re “investigating”!

ZACH

I’m just keeping you on your toes, Linda.

LIN MANUEL WEARS A LOOK OF DEEP EXASPERATION.

LIN MANUEL

Did you even see the show?

ZACH

What show?

LIN MANUEL

What show?? The show you’re interviewing me about.

ZACH

Yeah, the musical about Andrew Jackson. How was it?

LIN MANUEL

Hamilton.

ZACH

Oh, right, how was it?

LIN MANUEL

How was it??

ZACH

(in a cute flirty way, like a school girl)

No, I asked you first!

LIN MANUEL

Well it looked great from on stage. Every night.

ZACH

Oh that’s nice, those are great seats, do you know someone in the show?

LIN MANUEL

You just accused me of not being in my own show, and now you’re surprised that I was in it?

ZACH

Well, you see, we never actually settled the issue of if you were in it or not.

LIN MANUEL

You literally just need to Google me.

ZACH

(Shudders)

Eugh, no thanks.

LIN MANUEL

Did you actually even see the show?

ZACH

Yes. Of course.

LIN MANUEL

Then what does the opening scene look like?

ZACH

Well there’s a big stage and it was covered in people dressed up like cats.

BEAT

LIN MANUEL

(Visibly annoyed)

You saw Cats.

ZACH

Are you sure?

LIN MANUEL GIVES HIM DISAPPOINTED LOOK

ZACH

(Writing down notes)

Well…Hmm..ok. That would make sense, the little booklet they gave me just said “Cats” on the front, I thought it was a typo.

LIN MANUEL

Unbelievable.

ZACH

Oh, look at you, Mister Fancy-Pants Broadway New-York-Theatre Vaudeville-1920s Starving-Artist-Hippy Mentally-Enlightened Elitist-Art-Critic who knows how a theater works. It’s so easy for you to just walk into a theater and know you’re in the right show, huh? Some of us didn’t have the privilege of learning how navigate the thespian realm or read tickets.

LIN MANUEL

Are we almost done?

ZACH

One last question. Out of Alexander Hamilton, George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson, who do you think was the best kisser?

LIN MANUEL GETS UP AND LEAVES.

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