Carnival Destiny – Wes Anderson Sketch

by Emily Drouillard

TEXT READS: And now an exclusive clip from Wes Anderson’s upcoming film “The Carnival Destiny”

Establishing shot of cruise ship named Carnival Destiny

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

(scratching large beard, smoking old pipe, dressed elaborately as captain)

Aye, the depths of the waters are not as shallow as you’d think they be.

JENNY

(Dressed in typical Wes Anderson style)

What’s down there Captain? Should we be frightened?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Not unless you’re down there yourself, but it’s worth the danger to see. I’d go back if I could.

JEROME

(Dressed in typical Wes Anderson style)

What did you see?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye would ye even believe me? It was so fantastical it sometimes feels like I was touched by magic.

FIRST MATE LUDO SIGHS IN BACKGROUND, ANNOYED

JEROME

All of that must be so surreal, being so deep underwater is like the entrance to another world.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

See, Jerome, Jenny, this is why I want you to stay on the ship and work for me. You understand the splendor of the ocean and her vast mysteries.

JENNY

Why don’t you go down anymore though? Why do you need us?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Because the day she killed my brother was the last day I touched those waters. If I even dip my hand back in, she’ll smell me and seek me out. She’s vicious, out to get me for breaking her heart.

JEROME

Her?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

The mermaid.

JEROME

The mermaid??

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye, the most evil mermaid in the bottom of the Atlantic. Esmerelda. Hair as silver and deadly as mercury.

First Mate Ludo

(Exasperated, dressed like he actually works on a Carnival cruise)

Mermaids? Again?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Ludo, begone! Now is not the time for this.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Guys, mermaids don’t exist. You know this.

JENNY

But, he just said..

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye, like I said, she had evil in her soul, a heart blacker than the shell of a mussel.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Mussel shells aren’t even that black.

JENNY

How’d you meet her?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Well, it began when I set off upon my first expedition with the Carnival Destiny…

FIRST MATE LUDO

This is a cruise ship. You don’t do expeditions.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Stop. I’m trying to reminisce about my beloved experiences at sea before I had that love so brutally ripped from my hands.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Okay, sorry, sorry. You’re right.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

The death of a brother is a pain that cuts deep. I could feel it through my salty heart when he took his last breath on land.

JENNY

Wow. I’m so sorry Captain.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Thank you, young one. It still haunts me to this day. To lose your brother at the hand of your lover…

FIRST MATE LUDO

Lover? Come on, is this even appropriate? They’re kids.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Yes, we were passionate. Esmerelda could harness the fury of the seas and I’d felt nothing else like it ever before.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Okay how could she even be your lover? Mermaids don’t even have, you know, like…

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

How can you claim to know what she looked like when you don’t even believe in her evil, water-bound spirit?

FIRST MATE LUDO

Well yeah, regardless, she doesn’t exist, so it doesn’t matter if she has… No mermaids do.

JEROME

I don’t know, she sounds pretty real.

JENNY

Why did you become a pirate captain? Was it for love or revenge?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Both, I must say. Because love and hate are two sides of the same doubloon.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Pirate? This is a Carnival Cruise ship. We picked you up in Orlando.

JEROME

But back in the day it used to be a pirate ship, the Captain led fearlessly on his quest, right Captain?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Aye, quite fearlessly.

FIRST MATE LUDO

This ship was built 7 years ago.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Agh, why must you bother me so? I want to spread my love of the sea but caution the young against her evils.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Ok I’m not stopping you from doing that. I just can’t let you recruit any more children.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Age is of no matter to me.

FIRST MATE LUDO

Don’t say that again, really.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Children have imaginations much more capable of grasping just how much wonder and folly is out there, dancing upon the sea foam, waiting to be plucked from the waters.

FIRST MATE LUDO

It’s just that child labor, despite your best efforts, is still illegal.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Well I am the captain of my own ship, I can feel when a sailor’s soul is ready.

JENNY

Do you think mine is??

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

You’ve got the heart for it.

JEROME

What about me?? Could I do it too?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

(Takes Jerome’s hands and closes his eyes)

You’ve got the hands of a sailor, ready to work hard and toughen over the years.

JEROME

Yay! Oh I can’t wait to sail with you.

FIRST MATE LUDO

You seriously cannot do this again. Their trip ends on Saturday.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

If they want to dedicate their life to the mysteries of the sea, who am I to stop them?

FIRST MATE LUDO

Yeah but the last time you said that we got sued into the ground by the families and required to put up bars to prevent children falling overboard.

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

All’s fair in love and sea.

FIRST MATE LUDO

That’s not even close? When are you going to realize you are endangering peoples lives?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

We have nothing to worry about. Do you not hear the quirky soundtrack, or see the pastel scheme of this boat? The bellboy that’s actually Bill Murray? Do you think any of this is real?

FIRST MATE LUDO

(Seriously troubled now)

Holy shit, that’s really Bill Murray. But, it seemed.. so real..?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Son, that feeling never goes away. Esmerelda is real to me, as real as this being a cruise ship is to you. Carnival is not a brand, but a metaphor for the journey of being. You must begin your journey. It is your…Carnival Destiny.

FIRST MATE LUDO

But, how?

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Take the small life boat and these supplies and search for her. You can be my first mate now not only in ship, but it life. Complete my work, please. It is my dying wish.

FIRST MATE LUDO

I really can’t believe I’m saying this but… Aye Captain.

LUDO GATHERS THINGS AND SETS OFF, WE HEAR HIM SPLASH INTO OVEAN

CAPTAIN VAN HOUTEN

Ok kids, now that that asshole’s gone and outta my way, let’s hit the buffet. I can squeeze in another 30 minutes of story time before I have to go back to driving this lug of a cruise ship. Fuck Carnival. I mean, sorry kids, Carnival blows.

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