Doctor Know It All

by Emily Drouillard

INT: DOCTOR’S EXAMINATION ROOM

YOUNG, VISIBLY PREGNANT, FEMALE PATIENT WAITS IN ROOM UNTIL MALE DOCTOR ENTERS.

DOCTOR

Hi! You must be Ellen, my new patient!

ELLEN

Yes! Thank you for seeing me on such short notice. It’s a shame Dr. Grayson has pneumonia but I’m happy I found someone in the same practice!

DOCTOR

Me too, much less paperwork.

ELLEN

What did you say your name was?

DOCTOR

Oh, I didn’t.

BEAT

ELLEN

Well what is your name?

DOCTOR

Doctor.

ELLEN

Doctor what though?

DOCTOR

Doctor.

ELLEN

Dr. Doctor?

DOCTOR

Yes.

ELLEN

But..

DOCTOR

Where do you think the word ‘Doctor’ originated?

ELLEN

Surely before you were…

DOCTOR

So, let’s get to the nitty gritty here. What seems to be the problem?

ELLEN

(Gesturing towards rotund belly)

Well-

DOCTOR

That does look to be quite the problem. We can definitely deal with that quickly and efficiently, you’ll be ready for the beach in no time!

ELLEN

NO, NO, No, no, no, no, no. I want this. I’m here for a routine check up.

DOCTOR

Alright, well suit yourself. Shall we figure out what’s in this thing?

BEAT

ELLEN

It’s a baby.

DOCTOR

BOY, is that great to hear.

ELLEN

What do you mean?

DOCTOR

Usually with a stomach like that, the culprits are either the compulsive overconsumption of bananas, and all of the excess potassium adds up and really can cause some bloating. Or the growing colony of sleep spiders.

ELLEN

Sleep spiders?

DOCTOR

Yeah, haven’t you heard that fact about how we swallow eight spiders a year in our sleep?

ELLEN

Yeah…

DOCTOR

Well, eight a year can really add up and it’s not like they just sit around, hanging out in different parts of the body. Usually a colony begins to form, typically liberal and capitalist although occasionally leaning libertarian. When they lay all of their eggs at once, it can make the stomach kind of…

DOCTOR MIMICS EXPANDING STOMACH WITH HANDS, MAKING POPPING SOUNDS WITH MOUTH.

ELLEN REMAINS SILENT, STRUCK SILENT WITH CONFUSED LOOK ON HER FACE.

DOCTOR

So yeah, really good you know one big baby instead of thousands of tiny spider ones! Yours is human, right?

ELLEN

I-uh… Yeah.

DOCTOR

Oh that’s really great, almost always guaranteed to come out of the vagina. Centaurs really are a bitch to deal with. Ass men, through and through.

ELLEN

He’s definitely human, this is just a really average pregnancy so far, I just want to make sure I’m on the right track.

DOCTOR

Well I applaud you for caring so much! Now, do you sleep upside down?

ELLEN

(Trying to play along with the unorthodox doctor)

Like a vampire?

DOCTOR

Well, no, those are fictitious creatures. Please keep the Harry Potter out of the examination room, I try to remain quite professional.

BEAT

DOCTOR

But yes, like a bat.

ELLEN

No, of course not.

DOCTOR

Great! I won’t even have to brief you on the possibility of the fetus evacuating through the mouth.

ELLEN

Was that a possibility?!

DOCTOR

Please, dear, listen more closely. It’s not a possibility, because you don’t sleep like a bat that transforms into a blood-sucking human.

ELLEN

So, are there any risks about this baby that I need to worry about?

DOCTOR

Do you take your pre-natal vitamins?

ELLEN

Every morning!

DOCTOR

Great! You’ve stopped smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol?

ELLEN

Yes!

DOCTOR

Great, and you also have ceased all line-dancing activities?

ELLEN

What? Line-dancing?

DOCTOR

Yeah, that’s dangerous stuff.

ELLEN

I mean, I don’t really dance much to begin with..

DOCTOR

Great, keep it like that. If you, during a loop-de-loop, bump your bump, that thing will pop like damn pimple.

ELLEN

Well obviously I try to be careful about letting anything touch it.

DOCTOR

Oh, great. Even a pin prick from say, a dropped earring, and whooooosh that baby’s flying at the wall.

ELLEN

Is this… even accurate medical information? I’ve never heard any of this before.

DOCTOR

Well, isn’t that why you go to the doctor? To learn this stuff? If you knew it already wouldn’t you be the one in the white coat?

ELLEN

True, I’m just nervous is all.

DOCTOR

Not to worry Ellen, it happens to all first time mothers. Not let’s take an ultrasound to check how many sets of arms your little thing’s got!

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