Portlandia – Feminist Book Store Sketch

by Emily Drouillard

FADE IN:

INT: WOMEN AND WOMEN FIRST BOOKSTORE

(Candace, Toni)

A YOUNG MAN STANDS AT THE COUNTER WAITING TO CHECK OUT.

Candace

You know, the store feels more quiet than usual.

Toni

You mean quieter.

CANDACE

No, more quiet. Quieter isn’t a word, Toni.

TONI

I’m pretty su–

CANDACE

QUI-eter… Qui-ET-er… koo-wyyA-tur… Qui..Qui-uh… QUI-ooh-ter… Qui-a-TIT-er?

TONI

Quieter. Qui-it-er.

CANDACE

TIT, that’s the problem. I can feel my supple blouse being ripped off of me every time you say that word.

TONI

Quieter doesn’t have tit in it.

CANDACE

There’s really no way to be sure of that.

CUSTOMER

Uh… There’s no ‘tit’ in quieter.

CANDACE

Excuse me? Did you just say ‘tit’ to me? That was completely inappropriate and entirely unnecessary. What little dust particle floated into your ear and got stuck in your little brain and possessed you to say that word to me? We were having a private conversation and frankly I’m disturbed you would eavesdrop like that.

CUSTOMER

You’re right in front of me though, and you brought up tits?

TONI

Sir, please calm down.

CANDACE

Did you just say “tits”? What is your obsession with saying that word? Do you have tourettes? Is that your tick, being sexist? It feels like I’m trapped in the Playboy mansion being drowned in a pool made of Hugh Hefner’s soiled velvet robes and giant silicone implants.

TONI

(PULLS OUT DICTIONARY)

Seriously, it doesn’t say tit.

CANDACE

“It”? What is “it”?

TONI

The dictionary.

CANDACE

The DICKtionary? You’re kidding me, right? Who wrote it?

TONI

Uh..

CANDACE

Ugh let me look at it. No author? What is this, the Wikipedia of books? About words? And dicks?

TONI

Sort of, I think? I think it was compiled like the Bible.

CANDACE

Oh, the Bible, great. I bet they left Lilith out of this one too.

TONI

It should be the Lilith English Dictionary.

CANDACE

And “Oxford” English? Do I look like some kind of spry little boy wearing tights and playing a flute before a Shakespeare play?

TONI

Sometimes, but not right now.

CANDACE

This isn’t “Ye Olde” England!

BOTH LOOK UP, SHOCKED TO SEE CUSTOMER STILL THERE.

CANDACE

What are you still doing here?

CUSTOMER

What? I’ve been trying to buy this book for like fifteen minutes.

TONI

(WHISPERING)

You really need to keep your voice down. This is getting ridiculous.

CANDACE

(FLIPPING THROUGH DICTIONARY HALFHAZARDLY)

How do you find anything in this? Nothing’s in the right order? It’s alphabetical — that’s useless. It should be sorted by mood or aesthetic or which chakra it’s most aligned with. Figures, starting the name of a book with a feature of male anatomy.

TONI

It really is time for an update. A Feministionary.

CANDACE

That’s a great idea, Toni.

CUSTOMER

I really need this for class, can I just leave cash here and go?

CANDACE

No! Come back tomorrow, I can’t even believe you came in here. We are clearly in the middle of the creative process. Honestly, young people are so entitled.

CUT TO NEXT DAY:

YOUNG MALE CUSTOMER FROM BEFORE ENTERS.

CUSTOMER

Can I just get the book and go?

CANDACE

Well, “hello” to you too. What a rude way to enter a store and greet a stranger.

TONI

It’s like just because we’re women we’re suddenly your personal librarians.

CANDACE

How are we even supposed to know what book you want? Does it look like I have my custom-made Native Americans of the North East tarot cards out right now, do you see any recently-gazed-into crystal balls lying around?

CUSTOMER

I was here yesterday.

TONI

It was really quiet yesterday.

CANDACE

We stood completely still and stared straight ahead and didn’t utter a single word to each other for the entire day so I have no idea what you’re talking about.

CUSTOMER

(PLACES BOOK ON COUNTER)

I’m just trying to get The Ovarian Mystique for a class.

CANDACE

This piece of trash?

TONI

Who would even sell this sort of thing?

CANDACE TRIES TO TEAR BOOK IN TWO BUT CANNOT. SHE DROPS IT AND SHOVES IT ASIDE WITH HER FOOT.

CANDACE

Try this instead, the recently published Feministionary, New Lilith Edition.

TONI HANDS THE CUSTOMER A SINGLE PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS

“WOMAN (n): Goddess.

LILITH (n): See “Woman”.”

TONI

The New Lilith Edition features the inclusion of “Lilith”.

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